1 00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:18,230 [MOOING] 2 00:00:20,130 --> 00:00:22,150 [MOOS] 3 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,110 MAN: There's an old saying: 4 00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:29,000 "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" 5 00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:31,130 It's a fascinating philosophical query. 6 00:00:31,130 --> 00:00:33,040 Marriage versus sex. 7 00:00:33,030 --> 00:00:35,170 And if you're considering the former, 8 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,000 odds are you'll hear the saying from a friend who claims 9 00:00:37,230 --> 00:00:41,040 to be getting an abundant amount of the latter. 10 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,060 And, incidentally, it's bullshit. 11 00:00:46,050 --> 00:00:48,150 Bullshit? You think this is bullshit? 12 00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:52,000 Well, yeah. 13 00:00:51,230 --> 00:00:54,150 Well, it isn't. After five years, I think I have 14 00:00:54,190 --> 00:00:56,180 the right to broach the subject. 15 00:00:56,170 --> 00:00:58,230 So you broach and we talk. You don't have to give me 16 00:00:59,030 --> 00:00:59,200 an ultimatum-- 17 00:00:59,190 --> 00:01:04,040 Ugh! Don't use that word. I hate that word. 18 00:01:05,090 --> 00:01:06,160 I'm not too fond of it either, 19 00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:09,020 but what else would you call this? 20 00:01:09,010 --> 00:01:11,120 A deadline. 21 00:01:11,110 --> 00:01:15,000 [CHORUS VOCALIZING] 22 00:01:47,220 --> 00:01:49,230 So I'm a little indecisive. 23 00:01:49,220 --> 00:01:50,230 -It doesn't mean you have to hold a gun to my head. 24 00:01:51,030 --> 00:01:51,090 -[BEEPING] 25 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,100 -Hey! -Sorry. 26 00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:55,100 Don't be so melodramatic. That's why I'm taking 27 00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:56,070 this transfer. 28 00:01:56,060 --> 00:01:59,010 I'll be 3,000 miles away. I can't hold a gun to your head. 29 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,110 -Stop saying that! -[BEEPING] 30 00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:04,010 Shit! Admit it. 31 00:02:04,010 --> 00:02:09,180 You're using this transfer thing as an ulti-- Deadline. 32 00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:11,180 Okay, so I wouldn't have signed up for it 33 00:02:11,170 --> 00:02:13,100 if you hadn't freaked on Tyler's news. 34 00:02:13,090 --> 00:02:16,110 -[PHONE RINGING, BEEPS] -Hello? 35 00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:20,170 David! What's up, what's up, what's up! 36 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,200 Tyler, you are wasted. Sarah. 37 00:02:22,190 --> 00:02:26,000 TYLER [ON PHONE]: Oh, damn. How'd you know, my brother? 38 00:02:25,230 --> 00:02:28,040 -[PHONE BEEPS] -The faux urban street slang. 39 00:02:28,030 --> 00:02:30,210 -Nigger, please! -What time is it back there, 40 00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:31,190 like, 2:00? 41 00:02:31,180 --> 00:02:35,040 You know this city never sleeps. You ought to be countin' 42 00:02:35,090 --> 00:02:36,070 on your sheep. 43 00:02:36,060 --> 00:02:40,190 Hey, listen, man. I met the most amazing woman. 44 00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:42,170 -She is-- -Fly? 45 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,230 Better than fly, man. She's super fly. 46 00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:46,100 What'd I tell you about drinking and dating? 47 00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:48,060 Why don't you go to bed and sleep her off? 48 00:02:48,050 --> 00:02:51,030 -Dude, we're gettin' married! -What? 49 00:02:51,020 --> 00:02:53,170 [LAUGHS] You got to meet her, man. 50 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,070 -You and Sarah. She's like-- -Super fly? 51 00:02:56,060 --> 00:02:59,050 She's better than super fly, man. 52 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:03,120 She's the one. You know how they say you can just tell? 53 00:03:03,110 --> 00:03:06,130 David? Yo, you still there, bitch? 54 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,170 Yeah, I'm here. I'm just-- 55 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,020 This is it, man. It just hit me, you know? 56 00:03:11,010 --> 00:03:15,150 It was like a blinding realization, like pure truth. 57 00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:17,180 Anyway, you and Sarah got to meet her. 58 00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:19,080 You're gonna love her. 59 00:03:19,070 --> 00:03:23,170 Her name's Julie. She's sweet. She's beautiful. 60 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,020 She's choco-licious. 61 00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:30,070 -[PHONE CLATTERS IN GLASS BOWL] -Tyler? Hello? Tyler? You okay? 62 00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:32,100 [SLURPING] 63 00:03:34,190 --> 00:03:38,230 -[SLURPING CONTINUES] -Sounds like true love. 64 00:03:38,220 --> 00:03:43,000 So, you are leaving me alone to deal with this for two months? 65 00:03:42,230 --> 00:03:45,060 You need to be alone to deal with this, 66 00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,140 which is why I strongly advise you against 67 00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:49,020 consulting with Mike. 68 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:57,030 Bellissimo. Magnifico. 69 00:03:57,020 --> 00:04:01,150 You are so hot. 70 00:04:01,150 --> 00:04:03,160 You beast. 71 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:07,150 Is that Ricky Martin over there? 72 00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:11,030 God, no. That's Mike Hanson. 73 00:04:11,020 --> 00:04:16,070 You're beautiful. Hey. Shh. Modesty now. Modesty. 74 00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:20,100 I love you. Shh, shh, shh! No words. 75 00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:26,200 No, I'm not. Yes, I am. 76 00:04:26,190 --> 00:04:28,200 Don't do it. I'm doin' it. 77 00:04:28,190 --> 00:04:32,220 Don't do it. I did it. 78 00:04:41,050 --> 00:04:43,110 -[DEEP VOICE] I'd do me. -[DOOR CLOSES] 79 00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:47,170 Oh, man! The teste tuck again? 80 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,060 Do you like what you see? 81 00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:52,120 -No? -Would you put on some clothes? 82 00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,140 We only got two hours of happy hour left. 83 00:04:54,130 --> 00:04:56,180 Okay, let me just get my towel, okay? 84 00:04:56,170 --> 00:05:01,150 -[GROANS] -Oh, got it. There we go. 85 00:05:01,140 --> 00:05:05,010 You got issues. I mean, real issues. 86 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,150 He may be your friend, but he's no Deepak Chopra. 87 00:05:08,140 --> 00:05:12,090 He is also not running off to New York. 88 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,210 Use this time to make an informed decision, 89 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,030 or none of this will mean anything. 90 00:05:17,030 --> 00:05:19,110 I can't let this not mean anything. 91 00:05:36,130 --> 00:05:39,070 Whoo, boy. So you love her, right? 92 00:05:39,060 --> 00:05:41,230 -Of course I love her. -Well, there you go. 93 00:05:41,220 --> 00:05:44,080 Let's not get carried away here, guys. 94 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,050 No one's doubting your love for each other, all right? 95 00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:49,150 A blind man could smell your love. 96 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:52,160 -But this is a major-- -Huge. 97 00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:56,120 No, colossal thing you're considering here. 98 00:05:56,110 --> 00:05:57,230 As your friend it's my duty to ask 99 00:05:58,030 --> 00:05:59,110 the tough questions, okay? 100 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:01,110 -DAVID: What? -Sex? 101 00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:03,160 Sex is still good? 102 00:06:03,150 --> 00:06:07,030 Yeah, the sex is awesome. Look, I've got no complaints 103 00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:08,130 with what we have. 104 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,140 It'd be a lot easier if I did. 105 00:06:10,130 --> 00:06:12,160 There's got to be something. You waited five years. 106 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,090 -So what is this? -It's nothing. 107 00:06:14,130 --> 00:06:15,170 Let's just drop it. 108 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,190 We're your friends. We want 109 00:06:16,230 --> 00:06:19,140 to help you, but we can't do it unless you let us in! 110 00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:21,220 -It's no one thing, all right? -Okay! 111 00:06:21,210 --> 00:06:23,230 There's a lot of factors in this kind of situation. 112 00:06:23,220 --> 00:06:26,090 So, what is it? Give us one. 113 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,210 -Other women, all right? -You've had other women? 114 00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:30,150 How many? 115 00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:35,220 I'm not quite sure that I've had enough. 116 00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:38,060 JONESY: That's ridiculous. How many is enough? 117 00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:39,090 -It's twice your age. -Oh, shit. Really? 118 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,190 Hey, Mike. It's not about quantity. It's about quality. 119 00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,100 MIKE: Oh, eat me. 120 00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,020 What's wrong with going for both quality and quantity? 121 00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:47,130 Oh, yeah. Be the best you can be. 122 00:06:47,170 --> 00:06:48,220 That's the American way. 123 00:06:48,210 --> 00:06:51,010 [BOTH GRUNTING] 124 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,170 Whoo! 125 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,020 -MIKE: Foul. -Foul? 126 00:06:55,010 --> 00:06:57,010 -That's foul. -What foul? 127 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,000 Humping. Before the shot, you were humping me. 128 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,220 -Oh, I was humping you? -Prison style. 129 00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:03,060 Yeah, whatever. If I was humping you, you'd know it. 130 00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:04,190 -Would I? -Yeah, you'd know it. 131 00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:06,170 You'd feel it if I was. I wasn't humping you. 132 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,100 -MIKE: Deep, right? -JONESY: Yep. 133 00:07:10,090 --> 00:07:12,040 DAVID: A little help? 134 00:07:23,170 --> 00:07:27,190 The thing is, I never expected to feel empowered. 135 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,020 For better or for worse, something is set into motion, 136 00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:31,020 and I set it off. 137 00:07:31,010 --> 00:07:34,030 God. Am I a manipulative bitch or what? 138 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,000 Welcome to my world. 139 00:07:35,230 --> 00:07:38,000 You should feel empowered. It wasn't easy, 140 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,100 but it had to be done. 141 00:07:39,090 --> 00:07:41,130 What was the alternative? To keep waiting? 142 00:07:41,130 --> 00:07:43,140 It's not like the sex gets better with every 143 00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:44,200 passing year, right? 144 00:07:44,190 --> 00:07:48,190 [GROANS] I'm sorry that was so quick. 145 00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:50,080 -I'm kind of beat. -That's okay. 146 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,040 Orgasms are overrated anyway. 147 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,010 Hey, South Park's on. 148 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,100 Look, you had the courage to look him 149 00:07:56,140 --> 00:07:58,000 in the eye and say, 150 00:07:57,230 --> 00:08:00,210 "Buddy boy, it's time to shit or get off the pot." 151 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,190 And marrying me would be the shit part of 152 00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:06,070 that colorful analogy? Thanks. 153 00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:07,220 WOMAN: Okay. I'll be right back. 154 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,170 I'm sorry. I don't get it. Sarah's hot, man. 155 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,110 Behind every good-looking chick is a guy 156 00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:18,000 who's tired of nailing her. 157 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:21,050 -Am I right, Davey? -No, you're wrong, asshole. 158 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,220 So who's missing from your repertoire? 159 00:08:23,020 --> 00:08:25,040 Cowgirls, Wilderchicks, the Amish, what? 160 00:08:25,030 --> 00:08:27,010 It's not like that. Let's just drop it, 161 00:08:27,050 --> 00:08:27,190 all right? 162 00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:33,210 Do you guys believe in "the one"? 163 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,000 As in one soul mate, a perfect match that 164 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,210 completes us, makes us whole? 165 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,050 -Exactly. -Hell, no. 166 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,080 I don't know. But if there 167 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,190 is such a thing and Sarah's it, then that means it's inevitable. 168 00:08:44,180 --> 00:08:47,150 -It's a lock, right? It's like destiny. 169 00:08:47,190 --> 00:08:49,060 -Yeah, I guess so. 170 00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:54,110 Okay, so if it's inevitable, why rush into it? 171 00:08:56,090 --> 00:08:58,160 You're still not telling us everything. 172 00:08:58,150 --> 00:09:01,080 Of course I'm not. You're my friends. 173 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:02,130 It's stupid. 174 00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:05,210 -Come on! Help us help you. -Please, man. 175 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:15,010 Okay, I'm gonna tell you guys a little story. 176 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,140 I have never told anyone this... 177 00:09:17,130 --> 00:09:20,160 before... ever. 178 00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:29,060 When I was 18 years old, 179 00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:31,200 my family and I were flying home 180 00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:34,100 from a vacation we took in the Caribbean. 181 00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:36,190 -[WAVES CRASHING] -It was a fun time. 182 00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:39,070 -[SEA GULL SCREECHING] -Very nice vacation, Club Med. 183 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,050 We were in line to get on board, 184 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:54,060 when I happened to glance over to the gate across from us, 185 00:09:54,050 --> 00:09:58,200 and that's when I saw... her. 186 00:10:02,150 --> 00:10:05,030 She glowed. 187 00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,180 There was, like, a light all around her. 188 00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:09,180 It was blinding. 189 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,030 I swear I have never felt anything 190 00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:17,230 that powerful before or since. 191 00:10:17,220 --> 00:10:20,140 Something about her sucked me away from that plane 192 00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:22,120 and drew me right back to her. 193 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,220 There she was. 194 00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:32,050 With a strength I wish I still possessed, 195 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,190 I floated towards her. 196 00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:40,030 I introduced myself and told her how I felt. 197 00:10:42,110 --> 00:10:44,070 I gave her my address 198 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:47,060 and told her if she felt it, too, she should write me. 199 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:54,030 Young blood had him some balls. 200 00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,230 I had no choice. I was being driven 201 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,060 by a higher power. 202 00:10:57,050 --> 00:10:59,230 Call it the lightning bolt. Call it a connection, 203 00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:00,160 destiny. 204 00:11:00,150 --> 00:11:03,220 -So did she write you? -Not at first. 205 00:11:05,230 --> 00:11:10,200 Every day I checked that mailbox. 206 00:11:10,190 --> 00:11:13,210 I checked all that summer, and nothing. 207 00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:19,230 Then, one day, it came. 208 00:11:27,190 --> 00:11:29,160 It was more than I could have hoped for. 209 00:11:30,150 --> 00:11:32,230 She professed her love to me. 210 00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:35,040 She said she, too, got a jolt down her spine 211 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,180 that glorious day we met. 212 00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:39,180 It was more beautiful and poetic than she was, 213 00:11:39,170 --> 00:11:41,090 which I didn't think was possible at the time. 214 00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:46,220 I immediately wrote her back. 215 00:11:46,210 --> 00:11:48,200 I told her that I wanted us to run away together, 216 00:11:48,190 --> 00:11:51,060 make love under the stars, 217 00:11:51,050 --> 00:11:52,180 make babies. 218 00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:58,010 It was clear to both of us. 219 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,130 We belonged together. 220 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,000 No fear. 221 00:12:04,230 --> 00:12:08,070 No doubt. Perfect. 222 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,090 -Young love. -Mm-hmm. 223 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:13,160 Too young, as it turned out. 224 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:16,030 [POLICE RADIO, INDISTINCT] 225 00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:23,180 Apparently, she was an amazingly hyperdeveloped 226 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:25,130 11-year-old girl. 227 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,160 -JONESY: What?! -Eleven?! 228 00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:31,180 Her parents found my letters and quite understandably... 229 00:12:31,220 --> 00:12:32,220 freaked out. 230 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,170 -What were you thinking?! -DAVID: They contacted 231 00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:35,200 our local authorities, 232 00:12:35,190 --> 00:12:40,010 who swiftly moved in to stop the town's budding pedophile. 233 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:44,030 After they made my father promise that his sicko son 234 00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:46,200 would cease contact with any more little girls, 235 00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:48,200 they left him to scream at me for over an hour, mostly 236 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,000 about how I could flush 237 00:12:49,230 --> 00:12:54,010 any chances of a political career down the toilet. 238 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,010 [GRUNTS] That's a fucked-up story, man. 239 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,140 You're the only people I've ever told. 240 00:12:59,130 --> 00:13:02,010 Can you keep it that way? 241 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,010 It makes you seem kind of creepy. 242 00:13:06,050 --> 00:13:09,110 [RINGING, BEEPS] 243 00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:12,020 -David Collins Graphics. -Hey! 244 00:13:12,010 --> 00:13:13,220 Sarah, hey. How are you? 245 00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:16,170 I just thought I'd call and see how you were. 246 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,060 I'm fine. How are you? How's New York? 247 00:13:19,050 --> 00:13:22,040 Busy, but this city is so incredible. 248 00:13:22,030 --> 00:13:24,160 I wish you were here with me. Oops. Shit. 249 00:13:24,150 --> 00:13:26,140 "Oops, shit" what? Why "Oops, shit"? 250 00:13:26,130 --> 00:13:29,010 I made a list of all the things I wasn't going to say to you, 251 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,180 like, "I miss you, I wish you were here," all that. 252 00:13:31,170 --> 00:13:33,000 -So how are ya? -Miss you. 253 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,210 Wish you were here. All that. 254 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:39,220 [LAUGHS] Hey, I talked to Tyler. 255 00:13:39,210 --> 00:13:43,000 He and I are gonna try to get together for dinner, 256 00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:46,220 Great, great. Be sure to thank them 257 00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:48,040 for ruining my life. 258 00:13:51,060 --> 00:13:54,180 Listen, I just wanted to let you know I made it here okay. 259 00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:57,210 Oh. Is that it? 260 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:02,110 Well, I gotta get back to work, so I should--I should go. 261 00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:07,070 Yeah. Yeah, me too. Uh-- 262 00:14:08,110 --> 00:14:12,140 Okay. Bye, David. 263 00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:14,150 [PHONE BEEPS] 264 00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:23,070 I'm just saying, it's been a week and a half now. 265 00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:25,190 All you've done is sit around the apartment. 266 00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:26,190 It's no good. 267 00:14:26,180 --> 00:14:29,070 She wants me to give the situation serious thought, and 268 00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:30,220 that's what I'm trying to do. 269 00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:33,210 -Finish it, Tiny! -Uh-huh. 270 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,050 How's that working so far? Been doing a lot of thinking? 271 00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:36,140 No. 272 00:14:36,130 --> 00:14:39,110 No! You are useless! [SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 273 00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:41,130 [CROWD CHEERING] 274 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,050 -What was that? He can't do that. 275 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,230 -Actually, I think he can. 276 00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:47,080 She wants me to make an informed decision, 277 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,050 and I'm gonna respect that. 278 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,050 No, what she wants is for you to wallow around 279 00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:52,230 your apartment like some hermit. 280 00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:55,120 Ante up. Who you like? 281 00:14:55,110 --> 00:14:57,150 -Give me five on super thong. -I'm gonna take the one 282 00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:58,160 with the nice rack. 283 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,180 She is bankin' on your misery, bro, 284 00:15:02,170 --> 00:15:04,110 hoping you will sit around bumming out. 285 00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:07,010 -Oh! -That's gotta hurt. 286 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,140 And that, my friend, is how you make 287 00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:09,210 an uninformed decision. 288 00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:14,080 You want to make a truly informed decision? 289 00:15:14,070 --> 00:15:17,060 Get off your ass and go see what it's like out there. 290 00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:18,100 Get in the game. 291 00:15:18,090 --> 00:15:22,090 The game, I.E., hitting the meat market clubs with you. 292 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,160 No. No, no. No, hitting them with me and Jonesy. 293 00:15:28,110 --> 00:15:30,120 DAVID: There are some major fundamental problems 294 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,060 I have with, 295 00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:33,060 "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" 296 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:33,210 conundrum. 297 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,130 For one thing, women are not cows. 298 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,220 And by that I mean, they're not so generic. 299 00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:46,030 I think most reasonable people would agree that a cow 300 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,120 is a cow is a cow. 301 00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:49,140 This is not true of women. 302 00:15:49,140 --> 00:15:52,060 Things might be simpler if it were. 303 00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:55,060 [TECHNO POP] 304 00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:58,170 MAN [SINGING INDISTINCTLY] 305 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,230 -MAN: Yeah! -Yo, Mike. 306 00:16:00,230 --> 00:16:03,200 -Excuse me. -Mikey. 307 00:16:03,190 --> 00:16:06,140 -Excuse me. -Scotch. 308 00:16:06,130 --> 00:16:08,140 -It's packed. -Yeah, busy. 309 00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:11,040 -Busy. -Yeah. Thank you. 310 00:16:11,030 --> 00:16:13,050 Hey, excuse me. You might have 311 00:16:13,090 --> 00:16:14,210 offered to help me. 312 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:18,010 If you please, a beer for my friend. 313 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,140 [CLEARS THROAT] Thank you. 314 00:16:20,130 --> 00:16:22,010 Hey, man, listen. Sorry to do this to you, 315 00:16:22,050 --> 00:16:22,200 but I gotta go. 316 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:23,230 -Sure. -Hey, asshole. 317 00:16:24,030 --> 00:16:25,120 What is your problem? 318 00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:27,030 -You shouldn't drink any more. -Why shouldn't I? 319 00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:27,220 I just got here. 320 00:16:27,210 --> 00:16:30,060 -Because you're driving me home. 321 00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,050 -Oh, God. 322 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,050 Oh, God. 323 00:16:39,020 --> 00:16:41,080 -What's up? -Hey, hey, hey. 324 00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:42,110 -Buy you a drink? -Actually, I think 325 00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:43,100 I'm going to leave. 326 00:16:43,090 --> 00:16:44,230 -You ain't married, are you? -Not yet. 327 00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:46,090 You'd better hurry though. 328 00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:49,210 -Another round. Did Mikey show? 329 00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:50,190 -Yes. 330 00:16:51,190 --> 00:16:55,050 Cute. How'd he play her? 331 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,000 I think he used the you're-less-than-nothing-to-me 332 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:58,190 strategy. 333 00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:02,220 It never fails, man. 334 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,160 You miss her, huh? 335 00:17:06,070 --> 00:17:07,140 You kidding? 336 00:17:07,130 --> 00:17:10,090 Surrounded by all these available women? 337 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,080 More than ever. 338 00:17:12,070 --> 00:17:15,080 I know the feeling, only worse. 339 00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:17,220 Imagine feeling like that in this place... without 340 00:17:18,020 --> 00:17:19,090 havin' anybody to miss. 341 00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:23,230 Hey, how you doin'? 342 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:27,100 [EXHALES] You ready to go? 343 00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,120 -Yeah. -Yeah. 344 00:17:29,110 --> 00:17:33,030 Okay, so you had a close encounter with something. 345 00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:34,160 You saw the light in the airport. 346 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,150 Ten years later, it's still messin' with your head. 347 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,130 It was important. It set the bar for me 348 00:17:39,170 --> 00:17:41,090 on some level. Is that so bad? 349 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,070 It's bad if it keeps you from hooking up with 350 00:17:43,110 --> 00:17:44,160 a woman who's attractive, 351 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,120 smart and of legal consenting age. 352 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,160 What if she's still out there? Don't I at least owe it 353 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,040 to myself to try and find her? 354 00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:55,040 You're hunting Sasquatch. See? There she is. 355 00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:58,170 Shadow lady? She's a Sasquatch? 356 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:02,020 She's the myth, the perfect woman. 357 00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:05,160 [SCOFFS] A figment of our dumb-ass male imagination. 358 00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:09,150 Slap a face on the shadow bitch, and she ceases to be perfect, 359 00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:12,070 because she becomes real. 360 00:18:16,190 --> 00:18:20,040 So what exactly is all this crap? 361 00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:22,090 It's market research, 362 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,190 insurance for the creatives who came up with 363 00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:26,060 this shitty campaign. 364 00:18:26,050 --> 00:18:29,050 If I can coerce a focus group to say that a picture 365 00:18:29,090 --> 00:18:30,160 of an anorexic model 366 00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:32,220 bottle-feeding two large men in diapers 367 00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:34,110 makes them want to buy a pair of jeans, 368 00:18:34,150 --> 00:18:35,150 then I've done my job. 369 00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:38,100 That is a twisted way to make a living. 370 00:18:38,090 --> 00:18:41,030 I know, but at least it's the fashion biz, right? 371 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:44,020 -So why don't you just move here? 372 00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:45,170 -I don't know. 373 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,180 -Maybe I will. -Who is that? 374 00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:52,110 It's Mr. Hahn, my boss. 375 00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:54,090 And you get paid? 376 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,100 D, look at it mathematically. 377 00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:58,200 If just one person hooks up with somebody 378 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,180 who isn't their soul mate, 379 00:19:00,170 --> 00:19:03,020 you got a chain reaction that screws it up for 380 00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,160 everybody on the planet. 381 00:19:04,150 --> 00:19:06,100 Your soul mate ends up with someone else's who 382 00:19:06,140 --> 00:19:07,200 settles for someone else's-- 383 00:19:07,190 --> 00:19:09,010 Which makes it all the more important 384 00:19:09,050 --> 00:19:10,040 to find the right person. 385 00:19:10,030 --> 00:19:12,220 It's a glass-half-empty, glass-half-full scenario. 386 00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:16,150 If you ask me, your glass is half full of crap. 387 00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:18,130 -You sure you don't want any late night eats? 388 00:19:18,170 --> 00:19:20,060 -No. I'm out of here. Take care. 389 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,010 [WHIRRING] 390 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,110 -You got a problem? -How's the chili? 391 00:19:33,110 --> 00:19:35,200 I'd give my right arm for a bowl. 392 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:36,170 [LAUGHS] 393 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,110 I'll hand that-- I'll have that. 394 00:20:19,090 --> 00:20:22,040 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That was the glow. 395 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,080 That was the feeling you got in the airport. 396 00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:24,050 It's happening again. 397 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,180 I'm gonna do this. Can you do this? 398 00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,040 Can you answer the call? 399 00:20:28,030 --> 00:20:30,040 You've done it before. You're gonna do it again. Go. 400 00:20:30,030 --> 00:20:32,220 I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. 401 00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:37,060 Can you? Can you? [EXHALES] Don't let her get away. 402 00:20:40,190 --> 00:20:44,060 [GASPS] Where did she go? 403 00:20:44,050 --> 00:20:47,010 Where did that girl go? Where did she-- 404 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,230 She left, crap-sack. 405 00:20:55,060 --> 00:20:57,070 Creep. 406 00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:03,100 Wait up! Stop, stop! 407 00:21:03,090 --> 00:21:06,210 Stop! Wait up! Don't go! Don't-- 408 00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:18,070 [RINGING] 409 00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:20,140 WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Quick Match Personals. 410 00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:21,180 May I help you? 411 00:21:21,170 --> 00:21:23,060 [WHISPERING] Hi. I'd like to 412 00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:24,160 place a personal ad. 413 00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,220 -I'm sorry. Can you please speak up? 414 00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:28,040 -A personal ad. 415 00:21:28,030 --> 00:21:30,010 I want to place a personal-- 416 00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:38,010 Hello? Is anyone there? 417 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,170 Hello? 418 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:46,060 Sorry. I dropped the phone. I'm here. This is my first time. 419 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,210 Okay, here goes. 420 00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:57,120 Wanted: soul mate. 421 00:21:57,110 --> 00:22:00,140 Potential soul mate... 422 00:22:00,130 --> 00:22:03,150 looking for his... soul mate. 423 00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:09,060 You: Soul mate material. Me: Open, intelligent and-- 424 00:22:09,050 --> 00:22:13,040 -Soul mate-y? -Yes. 425 00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:26,150 [RINGING] 426 00:22:29,110 --> 00:22:30,190 -[BEEPS] -Who's dead? 427 00:22:30,230 --> 00:22:32,190 Somebody better be dead. 428 00:22:32,180 --> 00:22:35,060 Hey, hey, Tyler. Man, it's Mikey. I wake ya? 429 00:22:35,050 --> 00:22:37,130 -What time is it? -It's 1:00 in the morning, 430 00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:39,030 4:00 to you. Sorry, man. 431 00:22:39,020 --> 00:22:40,210 What's wrong? What happened? 432 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,140 -Nothin'. I just wanted to talk. 433 00:22:42,180 --> 00:22:44,060 -At 4:00 in the morning? 434 00:22:44,050 --> 00:22:46,010 It's cheaper. 435 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:52,200 Listen, Ty, uh, how'd you do it? 436 00:22:52,190 --> 00:22:55,180 -How did I do what? -How did you, you know, uh-- 437 00:22:55,170 --> 00:22:59,000 How did you find somebody who made the cut? 438 00:22:58,230 --> 00:23:02,140 I don't know. It was just this feeling that hit me, 439 00:23:04,020 --> 00:23:05,190 like a blinding realization, 440 00:23:05,180 --> 00:23:08,180 like pure truth. 441 00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:13,110 What is this all about? 442 00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:16,130 Nothin'. Nothin'. 443 00:23:16,130 --> 00:23:19,170 Forget it. Hey, congratulations. 444 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,160 -Mike? -Yeah? 445 00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:23,060 Pull this shit again, you don't get to be my best man. 446 00:23:23,060 --> 00:23:26,160 -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -[BEEPS] 447 00:23:28,050 --> 00:23:30,150 Always a best man, never a man. 448 00:23:49,150 --> 00:23:52,230 Head up, head up. Good, good. 449 00:23:57,190 --> 00:24:00,080 Oh, my God. This is so exciting. 450 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,170 I think I just met Naomi Campbell's hair person. 451 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,170 So, um, is there anything we should be doing? 452 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,030 This is the glamorous world of market research. 453 00:24:08,020 --> 00:24:10,070 We just sit around until somebody wonders-- 454 00:24:10,060 --> 00:24:11,220 Why are those men wearing diapers? 455 00:24:15,060 --> 00:24:19,070 Uh, I guess I can answer that question for you, sir. 456 00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:20,200 You can answer that? 457 00:24:20,190 --> 00:24:24,070 Yes, we did research in the Midwest which indicated 458 00:24:24,060 --> 00:24:28,150 that our target market was getting younger, as you can see. 459 00:24:28,140 --> 00:24:31,050 Our focus groups taught us that it would be wise to do 460 00:24:31,090 --> 00:24:32,110 a preemptive strike, 461 00:24:32,100 --> 00:24:37,010 and showcase young imagery in our new campaigns. 462 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,070 And this explains why I'm spending $2 million 463 00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:41,030 putting grown men in Huggies? 464 00:24:41,030 --> 00:24:43,120 You realize if I did this in my basement and posted them on 465 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,000 the Internet, I'd be arrested. 466 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,080 Also save a lot of money. 467 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:52,180 What are you doing for lunch? 468 00:24:56,100 --> 00:24:58,120 I'm sorry, Julie couldn't make it tonight. 469 00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,100 She really does want to meet ya. 470 00:25:00,090 --> 00:25:02,140 -Me too. -Yeah. 471 00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:06,020 But at least now you can tell me how all of this happened. 472 00:25:06,010 --> 00:25:08,060 [LAUGHS] Yeah. 473 00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:09,140 -You used to refer to marriage as-- 474 00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:10,130 -I know, I know! 475 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:12,120 Cruel and unusual punishment. It's her. 476 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,110 She's just hit me like a truck. 477 00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:16,020 But you were ready for it, right? 478 00:25:16,060 --> 00:25:18,090 You were wandering around in traffic? 479 00:25:18,090 --> 00:25:20,210 Yeah, I guess it was in traffic. 480 00:25:20,210 --> 00:25:23,100 If it can happen to me, though, it can happen 481 00:25:23,140 --> 00:25:24,180 to anybody, right? 482 00:25:24,170 --> 00:25:27,130 Anybody who isn't Mike, of course. 483 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,110 You know what? I got a strange call 484 00:25:29,150 --> 00:25:31,030 from Mike the other day. 485 00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:33,060 He seemed genuinely concerned not to have 486 00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:34,150 somebody in his life. 487 00:25:34,140 --> 00:25:36,180 Mike in a relationship? 488 00:25:36,170 --> 00:25:38,110 Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocalypse? 489 00:25:38,100 --> 00:25:40,030 Nostradamus predicted it. 490 00:25:40,020 --> 00:25:42,130 He said in the latter part of the 20th century 491 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,150 the lone cock would crow no more. 492 00:25:48,070 --> 00:25:50,110 That's scary. 493 00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:52,020 Why do you think David's so reluctant to take 494 00:25:52,060 --> 00:25:53,050 the next step with me? 495 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,200 Oh. David? 496 00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:00,080 I was playing the field, all right? 497 00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:01,200 I got burned out on it. 498 00:26:01,190 --> 00:26:04,010 Uh, you know, David hasn't exactly 499 00:26:04,050 --> 00:26:06,040 been out playing the field. 500 00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:09,170 He's been playing house with me. 501 00:26:09,170 --> 00:26:11,120 It's a fun game. 502 00:26:13,170 --> 00:26:15,230 SARAH: So let me get this straight. 503 00:26:15,230 --> 00:26:18,130 By working at a relationship with this guy 504 00:26:18,170 --> 00:26:20,070 for the past five years, 505 00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:22,040 I have actually undermined any possibility 506 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,100 of a future with him? 507 00:26:23,090 --> 00:26:25,110 -TYLER: -Yeah, maybe. No, I don't know. 508 00:26:25,150 --> 00:26:26,130 -SARAH [sighs] 509 00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,000 TYLER: David's a really sharp guy. 510 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,220 He'll probably come to his senses. 511 00:26:29,210 --> 00:26:33,080 -I mean, you're all he wants. -I'm all he knows. 512 00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:36,000 Well, that can work. 513 00:26:35,230 --> 00:26:38,080 -[CLICKING] -SARAH: David, it's me. 514 00:26:38,070 --> 00:26:40,180 It's late, and you're not home. 515 00:26:40,170 --> 00:26:44,110 That's good. I hope you're out having fun. 516 00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:46,130 Look, I know this sounds weird, 517 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:49,040 but if you need to see other women to figure this stuff out, 518 00:26:49,030 --> 00:26:50,130 I can handle it. 519 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,110 Maybe it's being here on my own 520 00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:54,110 or from asking you for a decision, 521 00:26:54,100 --> 00:26:57,080 I guess I've gained a new perspective on things. 522 00:26:57,070 --> 00:26:59,170 I think it's important for us to explore whatever 523 00:26:59,210 --> 00:27:00,220 options we need to, 524 00:27:00,220 --> 00:27:02,210 so if that's part of it for you, 525 00:27:03,010 --> 00:27:04,220 just know that I understand. 526 00:27:04,210 --> 00:27:06,230 [BEEPING] 527 00:27:06,220 --> 00:27:08,230 [TECHNO MUSIC] 528 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,040 She second-guessed our move. She's more cunning than 529 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:19,160 I thought. She's good. 530 00:27:19,150 --> 00:27:21,140 -You're lucky I'm on board. -It's not like her. 531 00:27:21,130 --> 00:27:24,150 Why would she say it's okay to go out with other women? 532 00:27:24,150 --> 00:27:26,150 Why indeed? 533 00:27:32,170 --> 00:27:35,230 Shouldn't you be out there playing wing man for Jonesy? 534 00:27:35,220 --> 00:27:38,040 Please. 535 00:27:38,030 --> 00:27:40,100 I never realized you were so picky. 536 00:27:40,090 --> 00:27:43,190 You think I'm one of these assy scam-hounds? 537 00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:46,100 I have very particular tastes, a strict list of qualities 538 00:27:46,140 --> 00:27:47,180 I look for in a woman. 539 00:27:47,170 --> 00:27:49,170 I'm not just fuckin' around out here. 540 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:53,040 What? Seriously. All this play I get? 541 00:27:53,030 --> 00:27:56,190 I'm not wastin'... my time. 542 00:27:56,180 --> 00:27:58,160 It's practice. It's practice 543 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,040 for the big game. 544 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,160 -Maybe it's not a game. -Mmm. 545 00:28:03,150 --> 00:28:05,170 You've been off the circuit way too long, brother. 546 00:28:05,210 --> 00:28:06,220 Of course it's a game. 547 00:28:06,220 --> 00:28:08,220 It's better than a game. It's a sport. 548 00:28:08,220 --> 00:28:12,060 It's better than a sport even. It's sport fishing. 549 00:28:12,050 --> 00:28:15,150 Case in point. 550 00:28:15,140 --> 00:28:17,080 Look at him. See those chicks 551 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:18,200 he's wastin' it on? 552 00:28:18,190 --> 00:28:21,010 Hi, ladies! Those are bass. 553 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,060 We all go bass fishing from time to time. 554 00:28:24,050 --> 00:28:27,120 You can get really good at it with practice. Yay! 555 00:28:27,110 --> 00:28:30,130 But while he's spending all of his time hooking up 556 00:28:30,170 --> 00:28:32,020 with bottom-feeders, 557 00:28:32,010 --> 00:28:35,060 the crucial skills he'll need to hook his wife are atrophying. 558 00:28:35,050 --> 00:28:38,210 You see, scamming's like fishing. 559 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:43,150 If your dream girl were a fish, what would she be? 560 00:28:43,140 --> 00:28:45,140 I don't know. Tuna? 561 00:28:45,130 --> 00:28:49,050 Yeah. No. A marlin. 562 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,120 A big trophy fish. 563 00:28:51,110 --> 00:28:53,030 To catch a marlin, you've got to use entirely 564 00:28:53,070 --> 00:28:54,000 different skills. 565 00:28:53,230 --> 00:28:56,120 You don't go marlin fishing with a sorry-ass fold-out pole 566 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:57,100 six-pound test. 567 00:28:57,090 --> 00:28:59,170 That'll do for bass, but it sure as shit 568 00:28:59,210 --> 00:29:01,130 ain't gonna land a marlin. 569 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,170 You gotta up your game. 570 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,160 You gotta know where the elusive beauties lie. 571 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:07,060 You gotta know where to fish. 572 00:29:07,050 --> 00:29:08,090 They're rare. Most days 573 00:29:08,130 --> 00:29:10,210 you don't catch shit, but when you do-- 574 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:14,020 [LAUGHS] Wham! 575 00:29:14,020 --> 00:29:18,160 The two of you are back at the dock taking pictures. 576 00:29:18,150 --> 00:29:21,080 DAVID: Okay, another huge flaw I have with: 577 00:29:21,070 --> 00:29:24,090 "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" is this: 578 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:26,010 milk is not free. 579 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:27,210 The point is, if you're hankering for some milk, 580 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,110 one way or another, you're gonna have to pay for it. 581 00:29:30,100 --> 00:29:32,170 -[TECHNO MUSIC] -MAN: Hey! 582 00:29:36,190 --> 00:29:39,160 [WOMAN SINGS, INDISTINCT] 583 00:29:44,170 --> 00:29:46,190 MAN: Wow. 584 00:29:59,190 --> 00:30:01,160 Oh! 585 00:30:01,150 --> 00:30:04,030 You diggin' this? I told ya I'd make it up to ya. 586 00:30:04,020 --> 00:30:07,200 Please point out which of these lovely young ladies is a marlin. 587 00:30:07,190 --> 00:30:09,230 MIKE: We're done fishin' for the day, buddy. 588 00:30:09,220 --> 00:30:12,150 -We're at the aquarium now. -Hi, guys. 589 00:30:12,140 --> 00:30:14,170 Checkin' out the exotic fishies. 590 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,150 And look. They even got one of those petting tanks. 591 00:30:17,140 --> 00:30:20,150 DAVID: Oh, my God. 592 00:30:20,140 --> 00:30:22,150 WOMAN: I've already told him about you, 593 00:30:22,190 --> 00:30:24,130 and his friend is totally hot. 594 00:30:24,130 --> 00:30:25,210 Sarah, you have got to get my back. 595 00:30:26,010 --> 00:30:27,170 I have been after this guy for a week. 596 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:29,140 They're going to be here in an hour, 597 00:30:29,180 --> 00:30:30,220 so just get my back. 598 00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:35,070 I gotta go. I'll do what I can. Bye. 599 00:30:36,090 --> 00:30:37,180 Hi. 600 00:30:37,170 --> 00:30:39,110 Hey. 601 00:30:39,110 --> 00:30:42,170 Have you given any thought to our conversation the other day? 602 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,170 It's all I've been thinking about. 603 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:49,120 But the problem is, I'm involved with someone back in L.A. 604 00:30:49,110 --> 00:30:52,140 But I'm not sure what's happening with us. 605 00:30:52,130 --> 00:30:54,100 -I need more time to figure it out. 606 00:30:54,140 --> 00:30:56,030 Is that okay? -Of course. 607 00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:58,100 Just don't take too long. 608 00:30:58,090 --> 00:31:01,200 [TECHNO MUSIC] 609 00:31:13,150 --> 00:31:16,010 Oh, yeah! 610 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,100 Gosh, a dollar. Now I can quit stripping 611 00:31:19,090 --> 00:31:21,190 and go back to vet school and save my sick pony. 612 00:31:21,180 --> 00:31:25,090 -[LAUGHS] -Thanks, Mike. 613 00:31:25,090 --> 00:31:27,100 -[COUGHS] -You're a prince. 614 00:31:27,090 --> 00:31:30,070 -Amy? -David, you know her? 615 00:31:30,060 --> 00:31:32,100 Holy shit! It is Amy! 616 00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:35,140 Give me a sec. I have to make one last go-around. 617 00:31:35,130 --> 00:31:37,060 -You guys know her? -From school. 618 00:31:37,100 --> 00:31:39,100 I can't believe this is happening. 619 00:31:39,090 --> 00:31:41,180 I can't believe this is happening. 620 00:31:41,220 --> 00:31:43,040 She looks great. 621 00:31:43,030 --> 00:31:45,040 She definitely lost that freshman 15. 622 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,190 Oh, she looks hot! Damn! 623 00:31:47,180 --> 00:31:49,120 -Oh! -Hey, you guys. 624 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,070 How are you two? 625 00:31:51,060 --> 00:31:52,230 -[CLEARS THROAT] -You work here? 626 00:31:53,030 --> 00:31:54,030 This is awesome. 627 00:31:54,030 --> 00:31:57,190 -No, Mike, I'm just hangin'. -This is such a surprise. 628 00:31:57,180 --> 00:32:00,180 -Yeah, you look good-- -[COUGHING] 629 00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:03,200 Amy, this is Jonesy. Jonesy, this is Amy. 630 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,190 -How you doin'? -Pleasure to meet you. 631 00:32:05,180 --> 00:32:09,070 [DEEP VOICE] Uh-huh. Pleasure's all mine. 632 00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:10,180 Turn it down a notch. You're channeling 633 00:32:10,220 --> 00:32:11,180 Barry White again. 634 00:32:11,170 --> 00:32:14,150 Hey, was she this hot when you two were dating? 635 00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:16,150 Hold it, he went out with a stripper? 636 00:32:16,140 --> 00:32:18,220 Actually, I was just a freshman back then, 637 00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,170 studying to be a stripper. 638 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:24,140 David helped me bone up on my pole-dancing exam. 639 00:32:24,130 --> 00:32:26,030 Can I buy you a drink for old times' sake? 640 00:32:26,020 --> 00:32:27,180 -Yeah. -Come on. 641 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:35,210 They're gonna do it. 642 00:32:41,090 --> 00:32:43,140 I often wonder how long we would have lasted if 643 00:32:43,180 --> 00:32:45,060 I hadn't broken up with you. 644 00:32:45,050 --> 00:32:47,100 Two-and-a-half days. I was gonna dump you 645 00:32:47,140 --> 00:32:49,040 right after my last final. 646 00:32:49,030 --> 00:32:52,050 I didn't have the time to get into a big emotional thing 647 00:32:52,090 --> 00:32:53,210 with you. I had to study. 648 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,150 What a... relief. 649 00:32:56,140 --> 00:32:58,160 This whole time I thought I broke your heart. 650 00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:00,130 Give me a break. We weren't in love or anything. 651 00:33:00,170 --> 00:33:01,190 We were just having fun. 652 00:33:01,180 --> 00:33:04,110 -See, there were no expectations back then. 653 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,110 -Give me a hand with this. 654 00:33:06,100 --> 00:33:08,200 I mean, when did that change? 655 00:33:08,190 --> 00:33:12,200 Um, it didn't. You did. 656 00:33:12,190 --> 00:33:17,040 It only seems different now because you outgrew it. 657 00:33:17,030 --> 00:33:19,230 -I don't know. -I do. 658 00:33:19,220 --> 00:33:22,090 Just look at your dick-with-ears friend out there. 659 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,130 Do you think that Amy chick would take the bait? 660 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,230 -I thought that was Dave's old flame. 661 00:33:28,030 --> 00:33:29,090 -Keyword: "was." 662 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:32,070 Damn it! I bet I could have had her. 663 00:33:32,060 --> 00:33:34,150 Back when she was goin' out with your best friend? 664 00:33:34,190 --> 00:33:36,110 That would have been real cool. 665 00:33:36,100 --> 00:33:41,120 You bet. Although I'm sure she wasn't as hot back then. 666 00:33:45,170 --> 00:33:49,220 -You look unbelievable. -Thanks. 667 00:33:49,210 --> 00:33:52,040 [EXHALES] 668 00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:54,000 When did it get so difficult to figure out what I want? 669 00:33:54,230 --> 00:33:58,040 Oh, if you're like most people, darlin', 670 00:33:58,030 --> 00:34:00,040 right around the time you found something 671 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:01,030 worth wanting. 672 00:34:02,140 --> 00:34:04,060 Hand me that dildo, will you? 673 00:35:01,130 --> 00:35:03,120 She circled my ad. 674 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:08,080 [PANTING] 675 00:35:08,070 --> 00:35:10,030 [WHIRS] 676 00:35:12,020 --> 00:35:13,170 DAVID: She circled my ad! 677 00:35:14,150 --> 00:35:17,010 [LAUGHING] 678 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:23,050 [BEEPING] 679 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:27,130 WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Quick Match mailbox number 247. 680 00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:31,160 You have 32 messages. 681 00:35:31,150 --> 00:35:35,050 To play unheard messages, press three. 682 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,140 To delete messages, press two. 683 00:35:37,130 --> 00:35:40,080 WOMAN [IN SPANISH ACCENT]: Hola, Soul Mate. 684 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,210 I search for you for a long time. 685 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,000 I think we should get together. 686 00:35:44,230 --> 00:35:49,210 I have dark hair, dark eyes and a nipple key ring. 687 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:53,160 I'm a maid, see, so I have lots of keys. 688 00:35:53,150 --> 00:35:54,030 -Lots and lots-- -[KEYS JINGLING] 689 00:35:55,020 --> 00:35:57,010 MAN: Your ad intrigued me, Soul Mate. 690 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,030 A little about myself-- I love dressing up 691 00:35:59,070 --> 00:36:00,060 and getting down. 692 00:36:00,050 --> 00:36:02,100 I'm somewhat of a walking contradiction-- 693 00:36:02,090 --> 00:36:04,160 open-minded, yet lactose-intolerant. 694 00:36:04,150 --> 00:36:08,180 I yearn for someone who enjoys big surprises. Call me. 695 00:36:08,170 --> 00:36:09,220 [BEEPING] 696 00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:14,180 [BEEPS] 697 00:36:22,010 --> 00:36:26,020 -[SNORING] -[BEEPING] 698 00:36:26,010 --> 00:36:27,150 WOMAN: If you'd like to make a call, 699 00:36:27,140 --> 00:36:29,010 please hang up and try again. 700 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,230 If you-- 701 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:54,040 [BEEPING] 702 00:36:54,030 --> 00:36:57,070 [LINE RINGING] 703 00:36:57,060 --> 00:37:00,010 WOMAN: Hello, David. I've been waiting for your call, 704 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:03,070 ever since I saw you in that Mexican restaurant. 705 00:37:03,060 --> 00:37:06,140 I've fantasized about us, our bodies entwined 706 00:37:06,130 --> 00:37:09,030 and covered in salsa. 707 00:37:09,020 --> 00:37:10,210 Salsa. 708 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:12,230 We're destined to be together, David. 709 00:37:13,030 --> 00:37:14,040 It's just like-- 710 00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:17,060 Chips and salsa? 711 00:37:17,060 --> 00:37:20,230 That's right. And now-- 712 00:37:20,220 --> 00:37:23,080 -[LINE BEEPS] -Oh, that's my other line. 713 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:24,020 Hold on. 714 00:37:24,010 --> 00:37:26,040 -WOMAN: Hello? -MIKE: David! It's Mike. 715 00:37:26,030 --> 00:37:28,170 You there? Pick up. 716 00:37:30,100 --> 00:37:33,200 Come on! Pick up, David. This is important. 717 00:37:35,110 --> 00:37:39,050 -Mike? -David, it's happened to me. 718 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:41,080 Congratulations. Look, I'm really 719 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,200 not feeling very-- 720 00:37:42,190 --> 00:37:44,210 No, listen, David. 721 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:48,140 I am lying naked in a strange bed, 722 00:37:48,130 --> 00:37:51,190 staring at the most beautiful woman 723 00:37:51,180 --> 00:37:54,160 I have ever seen in my entire life. 724 00:37:54,150 --> 00:37:57,090 Tell her I said hi. I've really got to go now. 725 00:37:57,090 --> 00:37:59,150 No, no, no. She's not here. 726 00:37:59,140 --> 00:38:03,000 I'm looking at her picture, okay? 727 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:04,060 Damn marlin jumped right into my boat, caught me unawares. 728 00:38:05,050 --> 00:38:06,190 What are you talking about? 729 00:38:06,180 --> 00:38:10,120 Okay, that whole after hours rave? 730 00:38:10,110 --> 00:38:12,200 Complete blank. The last solid memory I have 731 00:38:12,190 --> 00:38:14,110 was drinking some green glowy shit 732 00:38:14,150 --> 00:38:15,170 out of a test tube 733 00:38:15,170 --> 00:38:17,020 and dancing like a bastard. 734 00:38:17,010 --> 00:38:19,040 -But, David-- -What? 735 00:38:19,030 --> 00:38:21,070 Something magical happened in this room last night. 736 00:38:21,060 --> 00:38:25,220 Something... bigger than sex-- 737 00:38:27,220 --> 00:38:31,010 although sex was definitely a factor. 738 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,130 -But you don't remember. -No, last night's a total blur. 739 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:38,170 But listen. I woke up this morning, and I've got... 740 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,200 the feeling. 741 00:38:41,190 --> 00:38:45,010 -Is it a burning sensation? -No, no, David! 742 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:46,150 The feeling. When you just know, 743 00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:48,120 the pure blinding truth stuff. 744 00:38:48,110 --> 00:38:51,010 I've met her, David. 745 00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:55,010 For the first time in my life, I think I'm in love. Me. 746 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,110 -[CLATTERING] -Oh, shit, here she comes. 747 00:38:57,110 --> 00:38:58,180 Gotta go, moment of truth. Bye. 748 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,060 [DOOR OPENS] 749 00:39:06,050 --> 00:39:08,010 Good morning, sunshine. 750 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:11,210 Oh, is that for me? 751 00:39:13,010 --> 00:39:16,230 Oops. You've been deflowered. 752 00:39:16,220 --> 00:39:19,130 I can't believe you're even up after that performance 753 00:39:19,170 --> 00:39:20,200 you gave last night. 754 00:39:20,190 --> 00:39:24,080 In my book, you deserve to sleep for a week. 755 00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:27,060 Oh, my. hung over and clumsy. 756 00:39:27,050 --> 00:39:28,050 It's okay. I'll take 757 00:39:28,090 --> 00:39:29,110 care of that. You just 758 00:39:29,150 --> 00:39:30,200 save your strength. 759 00:39:32,060 --> 00:39:34,030 -The bathroom? -What? 760 00:39:34,020 --> 00:39:37,010 The bathroom. I don't feel too well. 761 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:38,220 Oh, it's right around the corner, lover. 762 00:39:40,010 --> 00:39:43,010 You pretty boys are all the same. 763 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,080 Strong stamina and weak stomachs. 764 00:39:46,130 --> 00:39:48,120 It's right there. 765 00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:53,160 -[SLAMS] -Hmph. 766 00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:13,100 You okay in there? 767 00:40:14,230 --> 00:40:17,220 This isn't happening. It's cool. 768 00:40:17,210 --> 00:40:19,230 -Michael? -Just a sec! 769 00:40:19,220 --> 00:40:21,090 Hmph. 770 00:40:24,050 --> 00:40:29,200 Laura was pretty impressed with you last night, 771 00:40:29,190 --> 00:40:32,210 even before you two started wakin' the neighborhood. 772 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:37,090 -[WATER RUNNING] -I'm into chicks. I love chicks. 773 00:40:37,090 --> 00:40:42,050 Breasts, legs, long hair. 774 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:45,130 -MAN [CHATTERING] -And breasts. 775 00:40:45,130 --> 00:40:49,000 I've never seen her make breakfast for herself, and we've 776 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:51,050 been roommates for three years. 777 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:53,120 Oh, Laura ran to the store to get you some B-12. 778 00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:55,060 She should be back any minute. 779 00:40:55,050 --> 00:40:59,040 Dad... sit down. 780 00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:02,080 [WATER CONTINUES RUNNING] 781 00:41:02,070 --> 00:41:04,080 I'm gay. 782 00:41:04,070 --> 00:41:08,020 No! No, or I was fucked up or experimenting, 783 00:41:08,010 --> 00:41:10,080 you know, like mom's college years. 784 00:41:11,140 --> 00:41:13,230 Oh, God! It is genetic. 785 00:41:20,130 --> 00:41:22,200 -[KNOCKING] -MAN: I'll be out 786 00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:24,140 on the deck, okay? 787 00:41:24,130 --> 00:41:28,100 When you're... done, let's talk. 788 00:41:28,090 --> 00:41:31,200 After what happened-- [LAUGHS] last night, 789 00:41:31,190 --> 00:41:34,220 it'd mean a lot to me if we got to know each other better. 790 00:41:34,210 --> 00:41:38,060 Oh, yeah! You betcha! I'll be right out! 791 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,090 Jumpy little breeder. 792 00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:54,100 [GROANS] 793 00:41:54,090 --> 00:41:56,110 Shit! 794 00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:15,010 [GROANS] 795 00:42:26,090 --> 00:42:28,040 [HUMMING] 796 00:42:30,170 --> 00:42:32,190 [SCREAMS] 797 00:42:32,190 --> 00:42:34,180 [SCREAMS, SHOUTS IN SPANISH] 798 00:42:34,170 --> 00:42:36,220 Oh! Oh, God! 799 00:42:36,210 --> 00:42:40,030 -[WHIMPERING] -[SHOUTING CONTINUES] 800 00:42:40,020 --> 00:42:44,130 No! Watch it! [SHOUTING] 801 00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:47,070 -[BLUBBERING] -[SCREAMS] 802 00:42:47,060 --> 00:42:52,100 -[SCREAMS] -[SHOUTING CONTINUES] 803 00:42:52,090 --> 00:42:57,090 [WOMAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH] 804 00:42:57,080 --> 00:43:00,160 [GROANS] 805 00:43:03,030 --> 00:43:05,150 -Oh, God. -BOY: Wow! 806 00:43:05,140 --> 00:43:07,190 That was just like Spider-Man. 807 00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:13,050 Actually, kid, I, uh-- 808 00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:15,120 I am Spider-Man, and I lost my costume. 809 00:43:15,110 --> 00:43:17,030 -I'm gonna need your shirt, okay? 810 00:43:17,070 --> 00:43:18,040 -Sure, Spidey. 811 00:43:18,030 --> 00:43:21,040 -This is so cool. -Yeah. 812 00:43:22,170 --> 00:43:24,210 Give you a little hand here. 813 00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:28,220 Billy! Get away from that man! 814 00:43:28,210 --> 00:43:31,230 Oh, no, no, no. Sir, I can explain. I, uh-- 815 00:43:31,220 --> 00:43:34,020 No, it's not this. 816 00:43:35,090 --> 00:43:37,090 Sir! Sir? Sir? 817 00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:38,200 Sir? 818 00:43:41,070 --> 00:43:45,050 -You sick son of a-- -No. No. 819 00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,090 Daddy, no. Don't shoot Spidey. 820 00:43:47,130 --> 00:43:49,100 He's my special friend. 821 00:43:49,090 --> 00:43:51,130 -No. -Billy! 822 00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:54,070 -No, boy, get-- -Stop, drop and roll. 823 00:43:54,060 --> 00:43:57,010 Don't do it! 824 00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:58,150 Whoo! 825 00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:04,160 Run, Spidey, run! 826 00:44:04,150 --> 00:44:06,140 [SIREN WAILING] 827 00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:13,000 -[GUNSHOT] -Whoo! 828 00:44:14,190 --> 00:44:17,030 Okay, dog, it's Snausage time. 829 00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:20,110 [BARKING] 830 00:44:20,100 --> 00:44:23,210 MAN [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ON TV] 831 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:31,110 WOMAN [ON TV MOANING] 832 00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,010 [POLICE DOG BARKING, GROWLING] 833 00:44:40,170 --> 00:44:42,060 [DOG THUDS, YELPS] 834 00:44:45,180 --> 00:44:48,000 [MOANING CONTINUES] 835 00:45:01,060 --> 00:45:04,030 This country's just gone to shit. 836 00:45:04,020 --> 00:45:07,090 Damn! Look at that little sodomite go. 837 00:45:12,210 --> 00:45:14,060 [GASPS] 838 00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:18,100 Nice work, Laura. Another asshole. 839 00:45:28,020 --> 00:45:31,140 -[BEEPS] -[SIGHS] 840 00:45:31,130 --> 00:45:35,100 [BEEPING] 841 00:45:38,230 --> 00:45:42,070 Hello, is Susan there? 842 00:45:42,060 --> 00:45:46,110 Hi, Susan. My name is David. You answered my personal ad-- 843 00:45:47,020 --> 00:45:48,230 Yeah, yeah. 844 00:45:48,220 --> 00:45:50,180 That's the one. That's me. 845 00:45:50,170 --> 00:45:53,120 Hi. How are you? It's nice to talk to you. 846 00:45:53,110 --> 00:45:55,220 Listen, um-- 847 00:45:55,210 --> 00:46:00,060 I think we should probably get together sometime soon. 848 00:46:00,050 --> 00:46:02,120 Hi, Cynthia. How are you? David. That's right. 849 00:46:02,110 --> 00:46:04,230 "Soul Mate" guy. What do you say Papa San, 850 00:46:05,030 --> 00:46:06,020 5:00, Tuesday? 851 00:46:06,010 --> 00:46:08,060 All righty. We'll see you then. 852 00:46:08,050 --> 00:46:10,000 Goin' to hell. Going to hell. 853 00:46:09,230 --> 00:46:12,120 Hi, Kathleen. I got it. 854 00:46:12,110 --> 00:46:13,200 Tuesday, Papa San. 855 00:46:13,190 --> 00:46:16,030 Tuesday? Papa San, five-ish? 856 00:46:16,020 --> 00:46:18,150 Oh, I don't know. Papa San? 5:00, Tuesday? 857 00:46:25,020 --> 00:46:27,150 [LAUGHS] Hi. Excuse me. 858 00:46:27,140 --> 00:46:30,080 Um, you aren't David, by any chance, are you? 859 00:46:31,090 --> 00:46:33,200 No, no, sorry. 860 00:46:34,100 --> 00:46:36,040 Oh. 861 00:46:37,050 --> 00:46:39,170 I'm going straight to hell for this. 862 00:46:41,130 --> 00:46:43,100 -WOMAN: David? -It's Ralph. 863 00:46:43,140 --> 00:46:45,040 Close enough though. 864 00:46:45,030 --> 00:46:48,230 [CHATTERING] 865 00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:57,160 Sorry. I'm meeting someone. 866 00:46:58,160 --> 00:46:59,230 I've got to get out of here. 867 00:47:02,030 --> 00:47:03,200 Hi, David. 868 00:47:03,190 --> 00:47:05,170 Nicole? What are you doing in L.A.? 869 00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:07,070 I'm in town for my cousin's bar mitzvah. 870 00:47:07,110 --> 00:47:08,080 What are you doing? 871 00:47:08,070 --> 00:47:12,010 I'm, uh-- I'm leaving. 872 00:47:12,010 --> 00:47:13,170 This place is such a meat market, 873 00:47:13,210 --> 00:47:15,050 a total singles' scene. 874 00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:17,050 -Excuse me. Did you just call him David? 875 00:47:17,090 --> 00:47:18,210 -Yeah, that is his name-- 876 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:19,220 Nickname. It's my nickname. 877 00:47:20,020 --> 00:47:21,180 Only my close friends call me that. 878 00:47:21,170 --> 00:47:25,150 -What are you talking about? -Who has David for a nickname? 879 00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:29,110 I do. It's short for... 880 00:47:29,110 --> 00:47:31,190 Davidian, Branch Davidian. 881 00:47:31,180 --> 00:47:32,210 -Wait. Are you here 882 00:47:33,010 --> 00:47:35,150 to meet a David too? -WOMAN 1: Yeah. 883 00:47:35,140 --> 00:47:37,000 -Who are you? -Did you answer an ad 884 00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:38,090 in Quick Match personals? 885 00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,220 David, do you know these women? 886 00:47:40,210 --> 00:47:44,150 -You son of a-- -Soul Mate, my ass! 887 00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:47,180 My name isn't David! 888 00:47:47,170 --> 00:47:52,140 -[GROANING] -[GRUNTING] 889 00:47:52,130 --> 00:47:55,050 [GROANING] Stop it, please! 890 00:47:55,050 --> 00:47:56,050 Excuse me. I'm late. 891 00:47:56,090 --> 00:47:58,120 I'm supposed to meet someone here-- 892 00:47:58,110 --> 00:48:01,230 Some shit monkey invited four women from the same dating 893 00:48:02,030 --> 00:48:03,210 service at the same time! 894 00:48:03,200 --> 00:48:07,190 Why? Why? Just get down here, all right? 895 00:48:07,180 --> 00:48:10,090 -Send ambulances. Send lots of ambulances! 896 00:48:10,130 --> 00:48:11,000 -What? 897 00:48:10,230 --> 00:48:14,030 DAVID: Look, I'm sorry! 898 00:48:14,020 --> 00:48:18,220 I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I've been a bad boy. 899 00:48:18,210 --> 00:48:22,150 How does it look? Is it bad? 900 00:48:22,140 --> 00:48:26,080 Uh, no, you're good. 901 00:48:26,070 --> 00:48:28,150 So, we're about the same age. 902 00:48:28,140 --> 00:48:31,210 Tell me, how does one develop such intense hatred for women 903 00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,180 in such a short amount of time? 904 00:48:33,180 --> 00:48:35,130 Publicly humiliating four women you've never 905 00:48:35,170 --> 00:48:36,110 even met before? 906 00:48:36,100 --> 00:48:40,130 I thought maybe I had met one of them before. 907 00:48:40,170 --> 00:48:41,230 I was wrong. 908 00:48:41,220 --> 00:48:45,220 Go ahead. Call Sarah. Rat my miserable ass out. 909 00:48:48,140 --> 00:48:50,230 Forget it. 910 00:48:50,220 --> 00:48:53,110 I might lash out at an entire gender, too, if I had to face 911 00:48:53,150 --> 00:48:54,200 what you're dealing with. 912 00:48:54,190 --> 00:48:56,230 Must be tough. 913 00:48:56,220 --> 00:49:00,030 Wow. You're the last person I would have expected 914 00:49:00,070 --> 00:49:02,040 sympathy from on all this. 915 00:49:02,030 --> 00:49:05,130 Well, it can't be easy, especially now. 916 00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,040 What do you mean, now? 917 00:49:10,230 --> 00:49:13,070 Maybe you'd better call her. 918 00:49:16,070 --> 00:49:20,010 [PHONE RINGING] 919 00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:21,180 -Come on, Sarah. Just pick up the damn-- 920 00:49:21,220 --> 00:49:22,160 -WOMAN: Hello? 921 00:49:22,150 --> 00:49:24,220 -Hello, Sarah? -This is Amber. 922 00:49:25,020 --> 00:49:26,160 I work with Sarah. 923 00:49:26,150 --> 00:49:29,180 -Can I take a message? -I need to know where she is. 924 00:49:29,170 --> 00:49:32,090 She left a little early today. Had a dinner engagement-- 925 00:49:32,080 --> 00:49:34,090 Um, an appointment. 926 00:49:34,080 --> 00:49:37,050 -With who? -Who is this? 927 00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:39,160 This is her boyfriend, David. 928 00:49:39,150 --> 00:49:42,120 Oh, I didn't know she had a boyfriend. 929 00:49:42,110 --> 00:49:44,150 Well, she does. Listen, I'm sorry. 930 00:49:44,190 --> 00:49:47,020 I really don't know who you are. 931 00:49:47,010 --> 00:49:49,000 But I'd really appreciate it if you could 932 00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:50,090 just tell me who she-- 933 00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:52,230 She is out with Andrew-- Mr. Hahn. 934 00:49:53,220 --> 00:49:57,070 -[CLATTERING] -Mr. Hung? 935 00:49:57,060 --> 00:50:00,210 Yeah, the big guy. 936 00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:04,170 Are you sure you're her boyfriend? 937 00:50:04,160 --> 00:50:07,140 I mean, she knows that you're her boyfriend, 938 00:50:07,180 --> 00:50:09,090 and everything, right? 939 00:50:29,100 --> 00:50:31,180 So how long have you been married? 940 00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:34,070 Seven years. 941 00:50:34,060 --> 00:50:36,120 Must be nice to have that kind of security. 942 00:50:36,110 --> 00:50:40,080 I'm the poster boy for happily married. 943 00:50:40,070 --> 00:50:43,030 But security, that's a rare thing these days, 944 00:50:43,070 --> 00:50:44,210 especially in marriage. 945 00:50:44,200 --> 00:50:46,110 That's a somber outlook for the happily married 946 00:50:46,150 --> 00:50:47,020 poster boy. 947 00:50:47,010 --> 00:50:49,020 Fifty percent divorce rate in this country. 948 00:50:49,010 --> 00:50:52,210 The only security you have in this world is yourself. 949 00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:54,190 The point I'm making is your talent 950 00:50:54,230 --> 00:50:55,230 is yours alone. 951 00:50:55,220 --> 00:50:59,150 And you do have talent. Your designs are amazing. 952 00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:01,230 Only you can decide what you want to do 953 00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:03,080 with that talent. 954 00:51:05,210 --> 00:51:09,030 -I just wish it were simpler. -Simpler? 955 00:51:09,020 --> 00:51:10,150 I'm offering you a job in New York, 956 00:51:10,190 --> 00:51:12,020 doing what you love doing. 957 00:51:12,010 --> 00:51:15,040 I know, and it's a dream come true. 958 00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:18,070 Dreams don't come true very often. 959 00:51:20,190 --> 00:51:23,110 Maybe it's not supposed to be simple. 960 00:51:29,120 --> 00:51:32,060 [PHONE RINGING] 961 00:51:32,230 --> 00:51:35,150 [RINGS] 962 00:51:35,140 --> 00:51:37,140 MIKE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: Bellissimo. 963 00:51:37,130 --> 00:51:41,060 -Magnifico. -[MACHINE BEEPS] 964 00:51:41,050 --> 00:51:43,060 DAVID: Hey, Mike, it's me. Where you been, man? 965 00:51:43,050 --> 00:51:46,110 I haven't heard from you since you met your true love. 966 00:51:46,100 --> 00:51:49,130 I really gotta talk to you, so just pick up the phone and 967 00:51:49,170 --> 00:51:51,130 give me a call between orgasms. 968 00:52:06,220 --> 00:52:09,200 [GASPS, PANTING] 969 00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:12,020 [DISGUSTED SPUTTERING] 970 00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:32,130 MALE ANNOUNCER: From the makers of the hit videos Are You Gay? 971 00:52:32,120 --> 00:52:34,130 and So You Think You're Gay, 972 00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:39,080 United Homosexual Headquarters presents Just How Gay Are You? 973 00:52:46,010 --> 00:52:48,220 Oh, hello! I'm Tim Chadway, 974 00:52:48,210 --> 00:52:52,050 president of United Homosexual Headquarters. 975 00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:54,120 My buddies call me Timbo. 976 00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:56,210 Like millions of Americans, you're probably wondering, 977 00:52:57,010 --> 00:52:58,030 just how gay are you? 978 00:52:58,020 --> 00:53:00,140 Well, that's an important question. 979 00:53:00,140 --> 00:53:04,000 But come on. The answer's pretty obvious, isn't it? 980 00:53:04,200 --> 00:53:07,000 Face it, chief. 981 00:53:06,230 --> 00:53:10,100 If you're watching me now, you are pretty damn gay. 982 00:53:10,090 --> 00:53:12,140 But that's okay, 983 00:53:12,130 --> 00:53:15,100 because, you see, here at the headquarters, 984 00:53:15,090 --> 00:53:18,100 we specialize in making your journey out of the closet 985 00:53:18,140 --> 00:53:19,220 as smooth as possible. 986 00:53:19,210 --> 00:53:22,170 From our handy gay pride starter kit 987 00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:25,140 to those convenient "I'm here, I'm queer. 988 00:53:25,130 --> 00:53:29,070 Stop by sometime for a beer" change of sexual orientation 989 00:53:29,110 --> 00:53:30,060 postcards, 990 00:53:30,050 --> 00:53:33,010 you'll be out and about in no time. 991 00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:35,140 Your family and friends will admire you for your ability 992 00:53:35,140 --> 00:53:38,200 to make that transition with style and flair. 993 00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:52,040 I still can't believe it. 994 00:53:52,030 --> 00:53:53,140 Why don't you just call her? You don't even know for sure 995 00:53:53,180 --> 00:53:54,050 what's going on. 996 00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:57,170 No, she wants to talk, she can give me a call. 997 00:53:57,160 --> 00:53:59,190 I'm done sitting around like a sucker. 998 00:53:59,180 --> 00:54:00,190 -You gotta stop being so hard on yourself. 999 00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:01,160 -MAN: Hey, brown sugar. 1000 00:54:01,150 --> 00:54:03,020 No, Mike was right. If I'm gonna make 1001 00:54:03,060 --> 00:54:04,050 an informed decision, 1002 00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:07,060 it's time I started getting busy. 1003 00:54:07,050 --> 00:54:09,170 Hey, wait a minute. What's this bar that Mike 1004 00:54:09,210 --> 00:54:11,080 wants us to meet him at? 1005 00:54:13,130 --> 00:54:15,190 "The Cock Pit." 1006 00:54:15,180 --> 00:54:18,000 Whoa, you might wanna wait till tomorrow night 1007 00:54:18,040 --> 00:54:19,100 to start gettin' busy. 1008 00:54:19,090 --> 00:54:21,060 Why's that? 1009 00:54:23,020 --> 00:54:25,190 'Cause tonight we're drinkin' in Boys' Town. 1010 00:54:25,180 --> 00:54:28,230 A lot of guys claim they practically knew it in the womb. 1011 00:54:28,220 --> 00:54:30,160 Something was wrong, they felt different than 1012 00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:31,190 all the other fetuses. 1013 00:54:31,180 --> 00:54:35,090 -Blah, blah, blah. -So how did you figure it out? 1014 00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:38,020 Well, after a string of girlfriends, 1015 00:54:38,010 --> 00:54:40,100 a couple of ex-wives and a Great Dane or two, 1016 00:54:40,100 --> 00:54:43,050 I started thinking, "Hey, maybe it's me." 1017 00:54:44,140 --> 00:54:46,000 Was that difficult for you? 1018 00:54:45,230 --> 00:54:48,170 Oh, sure. Most terrifying thing that you can do 1019 00:54:48,170 --> 00:54:51,110 is look inside yourself carefully, honestly. 1020 00:54:51,100 --> 00:54:53,090 But you have to do it, Michael. 1021 00:54:53,080 --> 00:54:55,200 And when I did, it was a feeling 1022 00:54:56,000 --> 00:54:57,120 that just hit me. 1023 00:54:57,110 --> 00:55:01,030 Blinding realization, like a pure truth. 1024 00:55:01,020 --> 00:55:03,020 JONESY: Hey, Mike, what's up? 1025 00:55:03,010 --> 00:55:05,200 Guys, hey! Uh, sit down. 1026 00:55:07,130 --> 00:55:09,220 -Are you aware that this is a-- -MIKE: A gay bar? 1027 00:55:09,210 --> 00:55:12,200 Jones, it's okay to say it, and, yes, I know. 1028 00:55:12,190 --> 00:55:14,230 But I like it... 1029 00:55:14,220 --> 00:55:16,090 I think. 1030 00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:18,230 I'm trying to anyway. 1031 00:55:18,220 --> 00:55:20,180 Stanley, a beer for my friends. 1032 00:55:23,100 --> 00:55:26,140 -DAVID: I get it. I get it. -You do? 1033 00:55:26,130 --> 00:55:28,110 He's trying to go the distance with that chick 1034 00:55:28,150 --> 00:55:29,160 he met at after hours. 1035 00:55:29,150 --> 00:55:30,120 Right. Avoiding places 1036 00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:33,070 that tempt you to stray off the gilded path of monogamy. 1037 00:55:33,060 --> 00:55:36,220 I can't wait to meet this girl. She must really be something. 1038 00:55:36,210 --> 00:55:38,210 She didn't, uh... 1039 00:55:40,130 --> 00:55:42,170 turn out to be the person I thought she was. 1040 00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,120 -I'm sorry, man. -DAVID: I'm sorry. 1041 00:55:47,110 --> 00:55:49,070 She sounded... different. 1042 00:55:49,060 --> 00:55:52,220 [CHOKES] Let's just drop it, okay? 1043 00:55:52,210 --> 00:55:55,100 So, what's up with this bar? 1044 00:55:55,100 --> 00:55:58,170 I mean, this isn't really our kind of place. 1045 00:55:59,170 --> 00:56:01,230 What do you mean? Huh? 1046 00:56:01,230 --> 00:56:04,100 It's got beer. It's got bar stools. 1047 00:56:04,090 --> 00:56:08,040 -What more do you need, Jonesy? -How 'bout women? 1048 00:56:08,030 --> 00:56:10,190 I'm shocked. I never would have pegged 1049 00:56:10,230 --> 00:56:12,150 you two as homophobes. 1050 00:56:12,140 --> 00:56:15,140 What the hell do you guys have against gay people anyway? 1051 00:56:15,130 --> 00:56:17,040 -DAVID: Hey, hey, hey. -Shh. 1052 00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:19,040 DAVID: We've got nothing against gay people. 1053 00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:21,120 -Some of my best friends' friends are gay. 1054 00:56:21,160 --> 00:56:22,140 -That's right. 1055 00:56:23,130 --> 00:56:25,140 I-- 1056 00:56:35,050 --> 00:56:37,120 Holy shit! 1057 00:56:37,110 --> 00:56:40,010 -What's that? -The Mikey Chronicles, man. 1058 00:56:40,000 --> 00:56:41,090 The sacred scam scrolls. [CHUCKLING] 1059 00:56:42,080 --> 00:56:44,100 -This is a black book? -I want you to have it, David. 1060 00:56:44,140 --> 00:56:45,150 I don't need it anymore. 1061 00:56:45,140 --> 00:56:48,120 Look at all these numbers. What are these little 1062 00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:49,160 black diamonds? 1063 00:56:49,150 --> 00:56:51,230 Stick to the blue squares. I'd hate to see you get hurt. 1064 00:56:51,220 --> 00:56:53,200 JONESY: This is bigger than I thought. 1065 00:56:53,190 --> 00:56:55,200 That chick must have really snuck up from behind 1066 00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:56,220 and nailed you. Wow. 1067 00:57:11,210 --> 00:57:13,090 -David? -You must be Nikki. 1068 00:57:13,130 --> 00:57:15,030 I hope I'm not too early. 1069 00:57:15,020 --> 00:57:17,050 -So you're a friend of Mike's? -Yeah. 1070 00:57:17,040 --> 00:57:19,010 [GUN COCKS] 1071 00:57:21,080 --> 00:57:25,090 -Mike owes me $200. -Is cash okay? 1072 00:57:35,130 --> 00:57:36,180 [LOW VOICE] Hi. 1073 00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:41,200 Come on in. 1074 00:57:41,190 --> 00:57:43,030 Aaah! 1075 00:58:11,200 --> 00:58:13,040 [DOORBELL RINGS] 1076 00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:18,170 David, what are you doing here? 1077 00:58:22,060 --> 00:58:24,230 If you're this upset, then why has it taken you 1078 00:58:25,030 --> 00:58:26,190 two weeks to call me back? 1079 00:58:26,180 --> 00:58:29,140 I've been... busy. Never mind that. 1080 00:58:29,180 --> 00:58:31,060 Who is this guy? 1081 00:58:31,050 --> 00:58:33,210 He's my boss, and all he did was offer me 1082 00:58:34,010 --> 00:58:35,040 a new position. 1083 00:58:35,030 --> 00:58:36,180 What's the matter? Our old positions aren't 1084 00:58:36,220 --> 00:58:38,030 good enough for you anymore? 1085 00:58:38,020 --> 00:58:40,070 As a designer. 1086 00:58:40,060 --> 00:58:41,130 Look, he wants an answer, but I told him that I 1087 00:58:41,170 --> 00:58:42,120 had to talk to you first. 1088 00:58:43,110 --> 00:58:45,230 This is about more than a job offer. 1089 00:58:45,220 --> 00:58:47,200 You keep encouraging me to meet other women. 1090 00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:49,160 That's got nothing to do with this? 1091 00:58:49,150 --> 00:58:52,080 I can't make a decision until I know all the variables, 1092 00:58:52,070 --> 00:58:54,100 one of which is still in your hands. 1093 00:58:54,090 --> 00:58:57,030 Great. So now I'm just a variable? 1094 00:58:57,020 --> 00:58:59,030 Ohh! 1095 00:58:59,020 --> 00:59:02,200 This has just... gotten more complicated. 1096 00:59:04,070 --> 00:59:05,230 Why don't you just admit it? 1097 00:59:06,030 --> 00:59:07,100 You love it there. 1098 00:59:07,090 --> 00:59:09,150 You don't want to say no to this offer, and I'm not 1099 00:59:09,190 --> 00:59:11,010 gonna be a reason you do. 1100 00:59:11,010 --> 00:59:15,000 Look, if you have already made up your mind, 1101 00:59:15,040 --> 00:59:16,090 then say so. 1102 00:59:16,090 --> 00:59:19,060 But don't try to hide behind some noble gesture 1103 00:59:19,100 --> 00:59:21,000 of not holding me back. 1104 00:59:20,230 --> 00:59:23,050 Okay, why don't we be fair here? 1105 00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:25,040 Things have changed, Sarah. This is no longer 1106 00:59:25,080 --> 00:59:26,050 just my decision. 1107 00:59:26,050 --> 00:59:27,210 You're right. It isn't. 1108 00:59:28,010 --> 00:59:31,020 And that's why I'm coming home early. 1109 00:59:31,020 --> 00:59:32,040 -What? -They're paying for me 1110 00:59:32,080 --> 00:59:33,140 to come home and talk to you. 1111 00:59:33,130 --> 00:59:35,150 They really want me, David, 1112 00:59:35,140 --> 00:59:38,200 possibly more than you do. 1113 00:59:47,040 --> 00:59:49,030 Oh, shit! 1114 00:59:59,210 --> 01:00:01,220 JONESY: Hey! 1115 01:00:06,070 --> 01:00:08,070 What's up, man? De-bachelorizing 1116 01:00:08,110 --> 01:00:09,210 for the little lady? 1117 01:00:09,200 --> 01:00:11,060 She gets back today. What's up? 1118 01:00:11,100 --> 01:00:12,200 You didn't get me a coffee? 1119 01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:14,170 I didn't know how you took it, but I grabbed 1120 01:00:14,210 --> 01:00:16,000 your mail on the way in. 1121 01:00:15,230 --> 01:00:18,080 -Thanks. -So what's the verdict? 1122 01:00:18,070 --> 01:00:20,010 Do I get to comb the thrift stores for 1123 01:00:20,050 --> 01:00:21,110 a new used suit or what? 1124 01:00:21,100 --> 01:00:24,080 Not yet. I'm just as confused as ever. 1125 01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:41,090 What? 1126 01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:43,090 You all right? 1127 01:00:44,160 --> 01:00:47,080 -Just lock up when you leave. -What? 1128 01:00:55,130 --> 01:00:58,090 Hey! I wasn't sure if you'd be here. 1129 01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:00,220 Well, I'm here. Where else would I be? 1130 01:01:02,040 --> 01:01:05,010 -Whoa. What's this? -I'm going to New York. 1131 01:01:07,120 --> 01:01:09,150 What? 1132 01:01:12,050 --> 01:01:14,160 -What? -There's somebody I gotta see. 1133 01:01:14,150 --> 01:01:16,150 -What are you talking about? -Options, remember? 1134 01:01:16,190 --> 01:01:17,110 Just in case. 1135 01:01:17,100 --> 01:01:19,090 Options? You're out of options. 1136 01:01:19,090 --> 01:01:20,220 Me staying here or going back-- 1137 01:01:21,020 --> 01:01:22,110 these are your options. 1138 01:01:22,100 --> 01:01:25,020 -Sarah. -What? No, listen. 1139 01:01:25,010 --> 01:01:27,100 Listen to me carefully. I flew back here 1140 01:01:27,140 --> 01:01:28,140 for one reason, 1141 01:01:28,130 --> 01:01:31,080 and that was to give you a chance to talk me out 1142 01:01:31,120 --> 01:01:32,170 of taking this job. 1143 01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:35,070 I can't do that until I do this. 1144 01:01:37,050 --> 01:01:39,150 Well, I won't be here when you get back. 1145 01:01:39,140 --> 01:01:43,140 I swear to God, I won't. This is it, David. 1146 01:01:45,130 --> 01:01:47,140 I know. 1147 01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:50,210 Excuse me. 1148 01:01:59,180 --> 01:02:02,220 DAVID: There are times in life when you have to make 1149 01:02:03,020 --> 01:02:04,070 difficult choices. 1150 01:02:04,060 --> 01:02:06,070 And there are times when it seems like you 1151 01:02:06,110 --> 01:02:07,230 don't have a choice at all, 1152 01:02:07,220 --> 01:02:10,210 like those rare moments when your only option 1153 01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:13,130 practically shows up in your mailbox. 1154 01:02:21,060 --> 01:02:24,060 -Hey, David! -Keep the change. Tyler! 1155 01:02:24,060 --> 01:02:27,180 [LAUGHING] Oh, man, I'm psyched you're here! 1156 01:02:27,170 --> 01:02:30,080 -You look great. -It really means a lot to me. 1157 01:02:30,070 --> 01:02:31,210 -What the hell are you doing here? 1158 01:02:32,010 --> 01:02:33,050 -I know. It's sudden. 1159 01:02:33,040 --> 01:02:36,010 I, uh, I just wanted to see you, you know? 1160 01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:38,080 Things are gonna start getting crazy for you 1161 01:02:38,130 --> 01:02:39,110 and--and Julie. 1162 01:02:39,100 --> 01:02:41,150 And, uh, I wanted to see you, 1163 01:02:41,190 --> 01:02:42,210 both of you. 1164 01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:45,090 -I--I talked to Sarah. -Yeah, yeah. 1165 01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:47,170 She said that you guys met up when she was in town. 1166 01:02:47,210 --> 01:02:48,130 She had fun. 1167 01:02:48,120 --> 01:02:51,100 No, no. I talked to her about three hours ago. 1168 01:02:51,090 --> 01:02:54,110 She called while you were in the air, from L.A. 1169 01:02:54,100 --> 01:02:57,060 Uh, she's freakin' out. 1170 01:02:57,050 --> 01:02:59,090 Everything's fine. 1171 01:02:59,080 --> 01:03:00,230 Listen, I-I know what you're going through. 1172 01:03:01,030 --> 01:03:01,220 It's a scary leap. 1173 01:03:01,210 --> 01:03:04,180 The trick is you gotta let go of your fears 1174 01:03:04,220 --> 01:03:06,130 and kind of go for it. 1175 01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:09,210 Believe me. 1176 01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:12,030 The worst thing you can do is lose the right girl because 1177 01:03:12,080 --> 01:03:13,090 of a fear of commitment. 1178 01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:16,070 Actually, the worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl 1179 01:03:16,110 --> 01:03:18,050 because of a fear of loneliness. 1180 01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:23,090 TYLER: I can't wait for you to meet her. 1181 01:03:23,130 --> 01:03:24,210 I told her all about you. 1182 01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:26,090 -You have? -Yeah, I told her 1183 01:03:26,130 --> 01:03:27,180 about all you guys. 1184 01:03:27,170 --> 01:03:29,050 -I had to warn her. -Even my name? 1185 01:03:29,090 --> 01:03:30,190 You didn't mention my name. 1186 01:03:31,180 --> 01:03:34,170 No, of course not your name. 1187 01:03:34,170 --> 01:03:37,060 We refer to you all by your general nature, 1188 01:03:37,100 --> 01:03:38,130 like the Indians. 1189 01:03:38,120 --> 01:03:40,190 Mike's: "Fucks Whatever Moves". You're: "Dances Around 1190 01:03:40,230 --> 01:03:42,000 Major Life Decisions". 1191 01:03:41,230 --> 01:03:43,070 -What did she say when you mentioned my name? 1192 01:03:43,110 --> 01:03:44,070 -What is wrong with you? 1193 01:03:44,060 --> 01:03:47,010 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 1194 01:03:47,000 --> 01:03:49,110 What would she say-- Oh, there she is. 1195 01:04:10,170 --> 01:04:13,190 -TYLER: Hey! -Hi. 1196 01:04:13,180 --> 01:04:15,140 -This is David. David, this is Julie. 1197 01:04:15,180 --> 01:04:16,050 -David! 1198 01:04:16,050 --> 01:04:19,190 So nice to finally meet you. Feel like I already know you. 1199 01:04:19,180 --> 01:04:22,160 -I feel the same way. -Isn't she beautiful? 1200 01:04:22,150 --> 01:04:25,090 You look like I did first time I laid eyes on her. 1201 01:04:25,130 --> 01:04:26,230 I just knew right away. 1202 01:04:26,220 --> 01:04:29,100 -It hit me like a blinding realization, like-- 1203 01:04:29,140 --> 01:04:30,180 -JULIE: Pure truth. 1204 01:04:30,180 --> 01:04:33,230 Yeah, yeah. Was he always this sappy? 1205 01:04:33,220 --> 01:04:35,230 -Just since I met you, baby. -Aw. 1206 01:04:35,230 --> 01:04:38,090 -Will you order me a drink? -TYLER: Yeah. 1207 01:04:38,080 --> 01:04:40,070 I'm gonna go to the ladies' room. 1208 01:04:40,110 --> 01:04:41,050 Excuse me. 1209 01:04:47,170 --> 01:04:48,230 Now you know, buddy. 1210 01:04:50,010 --> 01:04:52,090 Now you understand. 1211 01:05:30,060 --> 01:05:31,220 That's it. This guy Jeff, 1212 01:05:32,020 --> 01:05:33,190 works at Tyler's firm, 1213 01:05:33,180 --> 01:05:36,010 knew my roommate, and they hooked us up. 1214 01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:37,040 End of story. 1215 01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:42,070 That's, uh-- Wow, what a story. 1216 01:05:42,060 --> 01:05:43,190 -Yeah. -The important thing 1217 01:05:43,230 --> 01:05:46,010 is you ended up together, right? 1218 01:05:46,000 --> 01:05:47,210 Yeah. 1219 01:05:47,200 --> 01:05:49,030 I mean, think of all the different people 1220 01:05:49,070 --> 01:05:50,050 you've met in your lives, 1221 01:05:50,040 --> 01:05:52,100 all the paths taken, not taken. 1222 01:05:52,090 --> 01:05:54,180 You could probably trace back to your 1223 01:05:54,220 --> 01:05:56,190 very first romantic memory, 1224 01:05:56,180 --> 01:05:58,210 if you tried. 1225 01:05:58,200 --> 01:06:01,190 Oh, yeah. Fifth grade drama class. 1226 01:06:01,180 --> 01:06:04,160 Miss Liska had us lie on the ground and pretend 1227 01:06:04,200 --> 01:06:06,030 we were driftwood. 1228 01:06:06,030 --> 01:06:09,020 And then as she walked around the "beach," 1229 01:06:09,010 --> 01:06:11,200 -she would step over us-- -JULIE: We get it. 1230 01:06:11,190 --> 01:06:14,220 -That's nice, sweetie. -[CHUCKLES] 1231 01:06:14,210 --> 01:06:17,070 What about you, Julie? 1232 01:06:20,060 --> 01:06:23,120 What? Oh, no. 1233 01:06:23,110 --> 01:06:25,090 -The airport guy? -The airport guy? 1234 01:06:25,130 --> 01:06:26,130 What about the-- 1235 01:06:26,120 --> 01:06:28,190 Airport guy? Um, tell me about 1236 01:06:28,230 --> 01:06:30,100 this airport guy. 1237 01:06:31,130 --> 01:06:34,180 It's okay, honey. He's a friend. 1238 01:06:38,050 --> 01:06:40,120 [SIGHS] Okay. 1239 01:06:42,190 --> 01:06:46,130 I was traveling with my family once. 1240 01:06:46,120 --> 01:06:48,110 We were in an airport. 1241 01:06:48,100 --> 01:06:51,110 This guy came up to me from out of nowhere 1242 01:06:55,170 --> 01:06:58,000 and started saying all these strange things to me 1243 01:06:58,230 --> 01:07:01,180 about how he felt something when he saw me, 1244 01:07:01,170 --> 01:07:04,050 and he wondered if I felt it too. 1245 01:07:04,040 --> 01:07:07,060 I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of smiled at him. 1246 01:07:07,050 --> 01:07:09,170 He gave me his address and asked, if I felt the same way, 1247 01:07:09,210 --> 01:07:11,010 that I should write him. 1248 01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:13,150 As he walked away, I had this frozen grin 1249 01:07:13,190 --> 01:07:14,140 on my face. 1250 01:07:14,130 --> 01:07:17,160 I didn't want to agitate him or anything. 1251 01:07:17,150 --> 01:07:20,060 I was terrified that he was gonna hurt me. 1252 01:07:20,050 --> 01:07:23,060 TYLER: Can you believe that? How old were you, honey? 1253 01:07:23,050 --> 01:07:25,110 -JULIE: Eleven. -TYLER: Eleven years old. 1254 01:07:25,100 --> 01:07:27,100 -If that son of a bitch were here right now-- 1255 01:07:27,140 --> 01:07:28,140 -But you wrote him! 1256 01:07:29,220 --> 01:07:32,230 I-I mean, um... 1257 01:07:32,220 --> 01:07:35,020 Did you ever write him? 1258 01:07:35,010 --> 01:07:38,110 No. I mean, of course not. 1259 01:07:42,060 --> 01:07:44,130 Honey, do you want me to finish the story 1260 01:07:44,170 --> 01:07:45,060 for you? 1261 01:07:45,050 --> 01:07:47,120 -There's more? -TYLER: Yeah. 1262 01:07:47,120 --> 01:07:50,060 No, it's okay. I can do this. 1263 01:07:51,120 --> 01:07:53,170 So as soon as the guy was gone, 1264 01:07:53,160 --> 01:07:55,180 I threw the address away. 1265 01:07:55,170 --> 01:07:58,090 But what I didn't know at the time 1266 01:07:58,080 --> 01:08:01,140 was that my little sister Katie, who was two years 1267 01:08:01,180 --> 01:08:02,220 younger than me, 1268 01:08:02,210 --> 01:08:05,000 she saw everything. 1269 01:08:08,130 --> 01:08:11,080 I mean, she wanted to be like me. 1270 01:08:11,070 --> 01:08:13,080 She worshipped me. 1271 01:08:13,070 --> 01:08:16,130 And she started writing this creep as me. 1272 01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:19,160 I mean, she even sent him my picture. 1273 01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:21,130 Then, of course, when he wrote back, 1274 01:08:21,170 --> 01:08:22,070 you know, 1275 01:08:22,060 --> 01:08:24,020 weird stuff about how he wanted 1276 01:08:24,060 --> 01:08:25,140 to run away with her 1277 01:08:25,130 --> 01:08:28,080 -and make babies-- -TYLER: Can you imagine that? 1278 01:08:28,070 --> 01:08:30,030 Make babies? And this is before 1279 01:08:30,070 --> 01:08:31,050 the Internet. 1280 01:08:31,040 --> 01:08:32,150 What a sicko. I'm sorry, honey. 1281 01:08:32,190 --> 01:08:33,190 Are you all right? 1282 01:08:33,180 --> 01:08:37,000 But, uh, uh-- 1283 01:08:36,230 --> 01:08:39,140 Did you ever find out who this guy was? 1284 01:08:39,130 --> 01:08:42,070 -My parents did. -[QUIET GASP] 1285 01:08:42,060 --> 01:08:44,050 Sort of. 1286 01:08:44,040 --> 01:08:46,040 They overheard Katie bragging to me 1287 01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:47,160 about her boyfriend, 1288 01:08:47,150 --> 01:08:49,230 and she had mentioned it before, 1289 01:08:49,220 --> 01:08:52,050 so we just assumed it was this imaginary play friend 1290 01:08:52,090 --> 01:08:53,010 or something. 1291 01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:55,180 But when she started telling me about how he had promised 1292 01:08:55,220 --> 01:08:57,000 to run away with her 1293 01:08:56,230 --> 01:08:59,000 and make love to her, 1294 01:08:58,230 --> 01:09:01,090 -I mean, they stepped in. -Under the stars. 1295 01:09:01,080 --> 01:09:04,090 I mean, she was only nine. 1296 01:09:04,080 --> 01:09:06,190 -[GASPS] -So my dad called 1297 01:09:06,230 --> 01:09:08,170 the authorities. 1298 01:09:08,160 --> 01:09:10,030 You know, gave them the guy's address. 1299 01:09:11,020 --> 01:09:13,010 As was his style, told us to forget 1300 01:09:13,050 --> 01:09:14,050 the whole thing. 1301 01:09:15,170 --> 01:09:18,040 It wasn't until years later 1302 01:09:18,030 --> 01:09:22,040 that I realized the guy thought he was writing me. 1303 01:09:22,030 --> 01:09:23,210 And I pieced it together and remembered 1304 01:09:24,010 --> 01:09:25,020 the airport incident, 1305 01:09:25,010 --> 01:09:27,060 but I never told anyone. 1306 01:09:31,190 --> 01:09:34,000 I have to go. 1307 01:09:35,060 --> 01:09:37,070 -Are you all right? -TYLER: Hey. 1308 01:09:37,060 --> 01:09:40,000 -Where are you going? -I have to, uh-- 1309 01:09:39,230 --> 01:09:42,090 Thank you for the, uh, uh-- 1310 01:09:42,090 --> 01:09:45,060 Congratulations with-- 1311 01:09:45,050 --> 01:09:47,020 Good-bye. 1312 01:09:52,200 --> 01:09:54,230 DAVID: I'd seen the light. 1313 01:09:54,220 --> 01:09:58,070 It was this glaringly obvious, blind realization, 1314 01:09:58,060 --> 01:10:00,120 like pure truth. 1315 01:10:00,110 --> 01:10:02,050 It wasn't about anyone in particular, 1316 01:10:02,090 --> 01:10:03,200 but about people in general. 1317 01:10:05,100 --> 01:10:07,130 I realized at that moment, 1318 01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:10,060 there is no such thing as "the one." 1319 01:10:10,060 --> 01:10:12,050 It's more of a mind-boggling, whole-hell-of-a-lot 1320 01:10:12,090 --> 01:10:13,050 of-potential ones. 1321 01:10:14,040 --> 01:10:16,170 While that should be comforting, 1322 01:10:16,160 --> 01:10:19,220 it was actually pretty terrifying. 1323 01:10:19,210 --> 01:10:22,100 We'd all like to kick back and wait for some magical force 1324 01:10:22,090 --> 01:10:25,180 to show us who we should spend the rest of our lives with. 1325 01:10:25,170 --> 01:10:28,010 But the truth is, there isn't a lightning bolt 1326 01:10:28,050 --> 01:10:29,150 that slaps you on the ass 1327 01:10:29,140 --> 01:10:31,050 and tells you to pick this person 1328 01:10:31,090 --> 01:10:32,070 over all others. 1329 01:10:32,060 --> 01:10:35,040 If anything, it's like the rain. 1330 01:10:36,090 --> 01:10:38,190 Rain falls all the time. 1331 01:10:38,180 --> 01:10:40,010 Sometimes you're prepared for it, 1332 01:10:40,050 --> 01:10:41,040 sometimes you're not. 1333 01:10:41,030 --> 01:10:44,000 Depending where you are when it hits, you either 1334 01:10:44,040 --> 01:10:46,020 get caught in it or you don't. 1335 01:10:46,010 --> 01:10:50,020 In fact, most of us usually try like hell to avoid it. 1336 01:10:51,010 --> 01:10:52,110 You might miss the bus, 1337 01:10:52,100 --> 01:10:54,100 you might catch the bus. 1338 01:10:54,090 --> 01:10:56,040 Maybe you remembered your umbrella, 1339 01:10:56,080 --> 01:10:57,090 maybe you didn't. 1340 01:10:57,080 --> 01:11:00,090 No big signs. Just random torrential bursts 1341 01:11:00,130 --> 01:11:01,180 of opportunity. 1342 01:11:03,020 --> 01:11:05,100 And that's the most fate can do. 1343 01:11:05,090 --> 01:11:07,220 The rest is up to us. 1344 01:11:07,220 --> 01:11:11,190 And now, by the power vested in me, 1345 01:11:11,180 --> 01:11:15,120 I now pronounce you husband and wife. 1346 01:11:15,110 --> 01:11:17,070 You may kiss the bride. 1347 01:11:20,170 --> 01:11:24,180 [APPLAUSE] 1348 01:12:00,010 --> 01:12:03,180 DAVID: So the eternal bachelor was the first one to go. 1349 01:12:03,170 --> 01:12:07,040 Yeah, I don't think I'll ever understand men. 1350 01:12:08,120 --> 01:12:11,050 -You look amazing. -Thanks. 1351 01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:15,130 I'm very happy for you. I mean it. 1352 01:12:15,120 --> 01:12:17,160 Thanks. 1353 01:12:17,150 --> 01:12:20,090 I had a tough time for those first few months. 1354 01:12:20,080 --> 01:12:22,130 It was really hard, but-- 1355 01:12:22,120 --> 01:12:24,200 Then I had to take Nicole to the emergency room to get 1356 01:12:25,000 --> 01:12:26,060 her stomach pumped again. 1357 01:12:26,050 --> 01:12:28,050 And there he was. 1358 01:12:28,040 --> 01:12:31,090 Our eyes just met, and it was like 1359 01:12:31,080 --> 01:12:34,160 -this indescribable feeling, like-- 1360 01:12:34,200 --> 01:12:35,230 -I get it. 1361 01:12:35,230 --> 01:12:38,150 Not that happy yet. 1362 01:12:42,170 --> 01:12:44,030 It's terrific you found someone 1363 01:12:44,070 --> 01:12:45,050 who deserves you, 1364 01:12:47,000 --> 01:12:49,080 but I'd be lying if I said I didn't 1365 01:12:49,120 --> 01:12:51,000 miss our friendship. 1366 01:12:57,160 --> 01:13:01,130 [SALSA MUSIC] 1367 01:13:21,220 --> 01:13:24,040 I think it's time to stir things up 1368 01:13:24,080 --> 01:13:25,170 on the dance floor. 1369 01:13:25,160 --> 01:13:27,200 -Join me? -I think I'll pass. 1370 01:13:27,190 --> 01:13:29,150 I didn't bring any singles with me. 1371 01:13:30,060 --> 01:13:31,220 Joke. Joke. 1372 01:13:31,220 --> 01:13:34,170 Please remember there are impressionable children 1373 01:13:34,210 --> 01:13:35,120 out there. 1374 01:13:35,110 --> 01:13:37,170 -Let's keep it PG-13. -No problem. 1375 01:13:37,160 --> 01:13:39,190 Hand me that dildo, will you? 1376 01:13:43,100 --> 01:13:45,100 -Hey, Amy. -Yeah. 1377 01:13:45,090 --> 01:13:46,210 -I haven't seen her since college. 1378 01:13:47,010 --> 01:13:48,010 -Yeah, she's great. 1379 01:13:48,000 --> 01:13:50,220 Uh-huh. Yeah? You two, uh-- 1380 01:13:50,210 --> 01:13:53,140 Uh, no, no. We're just friends. 1381 01:13:53,130 --> 01:13:56,120 Oh. 1382 01:13:56,110 --> 01:13:58,200 Yeah, I saw that, uh, goofy-looking bastard 1383 01:13:59,000 --> 01:13:59,200 Sarah's with. 1384 01:13:59,190 --> 01:14:01,210 Nah, that guy-- [SCOFFS] 1385 01:14:01,200 --> 01:14:03,180 He's, like, missing a chromosome 1386 01:14:03,220 --> 01:14:04,200 or something. 1387 01:14:04,190 --> 01:14:06,210 -What a freak. -We both know 1388 01:14:07,010 --> 01:14:08,230 he's an attractive guy. 1389 01:14:08,220 --> 01:14:11,060 But thank you for trying. 1390 01:14:13,030 --> 01:14:15,060 Well, I bet he's no brain surgeon. 1391 01:14:16,200 --> 01:14:18,020 Ah, shit. Really? 1392 01:14:19,220 --> 01:14:22,010 JULIE: There you are, hon. 1393 01:14:22,000 --> 01:14:24,040 Oh, hey, baby. You remember David. 1394 01:14:24,030 --> 01:14:25,230 -You met in a restaurant a couple of months ago. 1395 01:14:26,030 --> 01:14:26,200 -Ah, David, hi. 1396 01:14:26,190 --> 01:14:29,130 Glad you didn't have to rush out early today. 1397 01:14:29,120 --> 01:14:31,140 It was a beautiful ceremony. 1398 01:14:31,130 --> 01:14:32,050 Thank you. I'm just 1399 01:14:32,090 --> 01:14:34,150 so glad my little sister got to catch the tail end. 1400 01:14:34,140 --> 01:14:37,050 TYLER: Katie showed? Ah, honey, that's great. 1401 01:14:37,040 --> 01:14:38,230 I didn't think she was gonna make it. 1402 01:14:39,030 --> 01:14:39,220 What happened? 1403 01:14:39,210 --> 01:14:42,080 -Your sister's here? -Yeah. 1404 01:14:42,070 --> 01:14:44,150 But she doesn't like weddings. She never got over 1405 01:14:44,190 --> 01:14:45,170 that airport guy. 1406 01:14:45,160 --> 01:14:47,230 The pedophile, the sicko. 1407 01:14:47,220 --> 01:14:50,080 -TYLER: Asshole. -JULIE: Honey, settle down. 1408 01:14:50,070 --> 01:14:52,040 You know, I should really 1409 01:14:52,080 --> 01:14:53,210 introduce you two. 1410 01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:55,060 -You would totally hit it off. 1411 01:14:55,100 --> 01:14:56,190 -TYLER: What a great idea. 1412 01:14:56,180 --> 01:14:58,190 -Honey, why don't you go get her? 1413 01:14:58,230 --> 01:15:00,170 -No, that's not necessary. 1414 01:15:00,160 --> 01:15:01,050 -No, dude. Virgin. 1415 01:15:01,090 --> 01:15:02,210 -She's gotta be around here somewhere. 1416 01:15:02,190 --> 01:15:05,080 -Hot. -I think I see her. Stay here. 1417 01:15:05,070 --> 01:15:06,210 -I'll be right back. -Hey, hey, hey. 1418 01:15:07,010 --> 01:15:08,110 What's the matter with you? 1419 01:15:08,100 --> 01:15:11,110 -You look like you did at the restaurant when you... 1420 01:15:11,150 --> 01:15:12,140 -I have to go. 1421 01:15:12,140 --> 01:15:14,160 ...bolted. 1422 01:15:33,070 --> 01:15:35,080 -WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Lightning Taxi. 1423 01:15:35,120 --> 01:15:37,010 -Hi, I need a cab fast. 1424 01:15:37,000 --> 01:15:40,130 Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, 1425 01:15:40,120 --> 01:15:42,130 Mike Hanson, the best man, 1426 01:15:42,120 --> 01:15:46,060 would like to make a toast to Julie and Tyler. 1427 01:15:46,050 --> 01:15:49,060 -Whoo! -MAN: All right, Mike! 1428 01:15:49,050 --> 01:15:52,100 MIKE: All right, thank you. Thank you. 1429 01:15:52,090 --> 01:15:54,110 Thank you, uh-- 1430 01:15:56,210 --> 01:15:59,000 Uh, I, uh-- 1431 01:15:58,230 --> 01:16:02,200 Many of you don't know me, but, uh, 1432 01:16:02,190 --> 01:16:06,000 I had the pleasure of being, uh, 1433 01:16:05,230 --> 01:16:08,190 Tyler's roommate in our fraternity house at school. 1434 01:16:08,180 --> 01:16:11,160 Yeah, you were! Phi Lamb! 1435 01:16:11,150 --> 01:16:13,170 Who's my boy, Mikey? You're my boy! 1436 01:16:15,140 --> 01:16:17,180 And today, 1437 01:16:17,170 --> 01:16:20,090 I have the privilege of being the best man 1438 01:16:20,130 --> 01:16:21,140 in his wedding. 1439 01:16:21,130 --> 01:16:24,020 Uh, suffice it to say, 1440 01:16:24,010 --> 01:16:27,130 I was shocked to hear that he was getting married, 1441 01:16:27,130 --> 01:16:29,170 but, uh, 1442 01:16:29,160 --> 01:16:32,090 but over time, as I talked to him on the phone, 1443 01:16:32,130 --> 01:16:34,000 I began to understand. 1444 01:16:33,230 --> 01:16:36,170 We used to do everything together, man. Everything. 1445 01:16:36,160 --> 01:16:39,070 We were joined at the hip. You know what I'm saying? 1446 01:16:39,060 --> 01:16:40,210 What these two people were doing was 1447 01:16:41,010 --> 01:16:42,030 giving themselves in 1448 01:16:42,020 --> 01:16:46,030 to a... blinding realization, 1449 01:16:47,080 --> 01:16:49,120 pure truth. 1450 01:16:49,110 --> 01:16:52,120 They stood before everyone they knew 1451 01:16:52,110 --> 01:16:54,160 and confessed their newfound selves. 1452 01:16:54,150 --> 01:16:56,190 I don't know, but witnessing 1453 01:16:56,230 --> 01:16:58,030 such strength 1454 01:16:58,020 --> 01:17:01,050 and courage in my friends 1455 01:17:01,040 --> 01:17:02,220 inspires me in a way which I can barely 1456 01:17:03,020 --> 01:17:03,200 put into words. 1457 01:17:10,100 --> 01:17:12,070 You see, while many of you 1458 01:17:12,110 --> 01:17:13,230 don't know me, uh, 1459 01:17:13,220 --> 01:17:16,140 the rest of you only think you do. 1460 01:17:16,130 --> 01:17:18,160 The truth is, you're about to meet Mike Hanson 1461 01:17:18,200 --> 01:17:19,200 for the first time. 1462 01:17:19,190 --> 01:17:22,130 [SIGHS] 1463 01:17:22,120 --> 01:17:25,120 My name is Mike Hanson, 1464 01:17:25,110 --> 01:17:27,110 and I'm a raging homosexual. 1465 01:17:27,100 --> 01:17:29,160 [GLASS CLATTERING] 1466 01:17:33,230 --> 01:17:35,180 Thank you. 1467 01:17:39,220 --> 01:17:42,060 I--I didn't really know him that well. 1468 01:17:44,150 --> 01:17:47,200 And let's give it up to the newlyweds. 1469 01:17:48,000 --> 01:17:49,090 Congrats, guys. 1470 01:17:57,020 --> 01:17:58,210 MAN: Hit it. 1471 01:17:58,200 --> 01:18:01,210 [BAND RESUMES] 1472 01:18:11,160 --> 01:18:14,190 WOMAN: Why does everybody keep trying to set me up? 1473 01:18:14,180 --> 01:18:16,230 They're never... him. 1474 01:18:16,220 --> 01:18:19,160 Katie, please come out and meet him. 1475 01:18:30,070 --> 01:18:32,040 You look amazing. 1476 01:18:33,150 --> 01:18:35,220 All right. Let's go meet this guy. 1477 01:18:42,030 --> 01:18:44,180 Ladies, there you are. 1478 01:18:44,170 --> 01:18:47,130 -Katie, I'm so glad that you could make it. 1479 01:18:47,170 --> 01:18:48,130 -Thank you. 1480 01:18:48,120 --> 01:18:49,210 -We gotta go. The limo's here. 1481 01:18:50,010 --> 01:18:51,050 -Have you seen David? 1482 01:18:51,040 --> 01:18:53,150 Uh, no. 1483 01:18:53,140 --> 01:18:54,190 I-I think he left with Mike and Amy, because I 1484 01:18:54,230 --> 01:18:55,170 haven't seen them either. 1485 01:18:56,160 --> 01:18:58,230 But you know what? We should forget about them. 1486 01:18:58,220 --> 01:19:01,230 I'm gonna meet you up front. We really have to go. 1487 01:19:01,220 --> 01:19:05,090 -That's okay. You just go. -No, you're coming with us. 1488 01:19:05,090 --> 01:19:06,050 No, it's your day. Don't worry about me. 1489 01:19:06,090 --> 01:19:06,170 I'll be fine. 1490 01:19:07,160 --> 01:19:10,110 -Are you sure? -Positive. Just go, all right? 1491 01:19:10,100 --> 01:19:12,120 -Love you. -Love you, too. 1492 01:19:16,100 --> 01:19:19,130 So I don't mean to belittle your big announcement, 1493 01:19:19,120 --> 01:19:21,070 but come on, Mike, you've never even 1494 01:19:21,110 --> 01:19:22,070 worked retail. 1495 01:19:22,060 --> 01:19:24,080 Nah, it makes sense. 1496 01:19:24,080 --> 01:19:26,040 All my life I've treated women like dirt, never lettin' them 1497 01:19:26,080 --> 01:19:26,200 get too close, 1498 01:19:26,190 --> 01:19:30,140 just usin' and cruisin'. 1499 01:19:30,130 --> 01:19:32,230 That doesn't make you a homosexual, Mike. 1500 01:19:32,220 --> 01:19:35,120 It makes you an asshole. 1501 01:19:45,070 --> 01:19:47,170 KATIE: Excuse me. Are you waiting for someone? 1502 01:19:47,160 --> 01:19:49,160 No, I'm not waiting. 1503 01:19:49,150 --> 01:19:51,170 Wait a minute. That's my cab! That's my--! 1504 01:19:56,030 --> 01:19:59,120 [ENGINE STARTS] 1505 01:20:17,160 --> 01:20:19,160 These insolent swine! 1506 01:20:19,150 --> 01:20:22,140 You know, they call you, tell you to come right away. 1507 01:20:22,180 --> 01:20:23,090 Big hurry! 1508 01:20:23,080 --> 01:20:24,190 You come, they're not there. 1509 01:20:35,190 --> 01:20:37,140 And I feel like-- how do you say? 1510 01:20:37,180 --> 01:20:38,080 Assholes. 1511 01:20:38,070 --> 01:20:39,230 Yeah, I know the feeling. 1512 01:20:41,050 --> 01:20:44,180 You know the feeling? You know the feeling? 1513 01:20:50,150 --> 01:20:53,010 So it was nice wedding, yes? 1514 01:20:53,220 --> 01:20:56,000 Oh, no! Not again! 1515 01:20:55,230 --> 01:20:58,170 Ohh! 1516 01:20:58,160 --> 01:21:01,070 -[GROANS] -Oh, my God! 1517 01:21:01,070 --> 01:21:03,050 No, no, please. 1518 01:21:07,030 --> 01:21:09,030 Are you all right? 1519 01:21:24,220 --> 01:21:27,070 It's... you. 1520 01:21:29,000 --> 01:21:31,210 I've been looking everywhere for you. 1521 01:21:35,200 --> 01:21:37,210 What took you so long? 1522 01:21:54,020 --> 01:21:57,000 I feel all tingly inside. 1523 01:21:56,230 --> 01:22:00,020 I know. So do I. 1524 01:22:00,010 --> 01:22:02,100 No, in a scary way. 1525 01:22:04,020 --> 01:22:06,090 Oh. Uh, right. 1526 01:22:06,080 --> 01:22:08,100 We should get you to a hospital. 1527 01:22:16,110 --> 01:22:20,000 [HORNS: FANFARE] 1528 01:22:19,230 --> 01:22:23,050 ["THE WEDDING MARCH"] 1529 01:22:28,160 --> 01:22:33,090 [GASPS] What are you doing? 1530 01:22:33,080 --> 01:22:37,060 -You said you were gay. -Yeah, and your point is?